What?!

Ok. You know when you are going along, minding your own business, knowing you have a few things to work on when BAM! Out of nowhere you see pictures of yourself and you go, "What?! I really look like that?!" That has happened to me twice this weekend. It has made me want to cry. (DISCLAIMER!!!! I am NOT trying to get sympathy, compliments, words of condolence or anything of that nature. I am venting here!)

No seriously, I thought I was starting to look pretty ok. And then I see those pictures. Seriously? How long as it been that way? I know that I am by no means super overweight. I just have some "Juicy bits". Juicy bits I DO NOT LIKE!!!

And, you'd think that I would get all motivated to work out more and eat healthy. Which I kind of do, but the reality of it is I get so freaking depressed that I either don't eat at all or I "depress eat".  And then I go around beating myself up about it. I know, I know. Slow and steady wins the race and all that crap. But guess what? I WANT RESULTS NOW!!!!

Stupid. I know.

I get it. I am beautiful. I am talented. My husband thinks I'm hott (and so do some disrespectful Hispanic kids at Wal-Mart). But guess what world, I am one frustrated woman. Did you hear me?!

F-R-U-S-T-R-A-T-E-D!

I have been trying to run consistently, but now I see that it is going to take more than that. I have P90X, but I know the resulting soreness that fallows and haven't wanted to push myself. Well, enough is enough. I am NEVER having another picture taken again where I look remotely like that. No joke people. I've had it!

So, to follow the rules, I know that I am a very talented, kind, mostly sweet person :) I know that I am beautiful and that I can do anything I put my mind too (RIGHT?!) I know that my sweet husband thinks I am the most beautiful woman in the world. And, I know that I am so lucky to have the many blessings that I do have.

Like My Dear Cat Lulu

Let's be honest here: My house is a mess. I have not studied for a big mid-term. I am uber depressed about my husband being gone. I feel kind of like a loser. And, to top it off, I am a little more "juicy" than I would like and it is frustrating the living daylights out of me.

But you know what? I am gloriously human. My house will be clean in 15 minutes or so. I am going to study up a storm and be ready to go bright and early tomorrow morning. I have the best husband in the whole wide world. I have amazing friends and family. I seriously have the best support team on the planet. I have all the tools to look and be exactly what I want to be. I've got this! I can do this! I rock at life! Go me!

Oh yeah.... and I kind of burnt my lunch to an unrecognizable crisp and my house smells all burnt-y. But, hey, that's nothing new.

Guess what folks: I am human. And so are you. Let's all be honest about it, m'kay?

Kind of Random, but It Has a Lot of Heart

Am I the only one who likes to write papers in a smaller font, single spaced and then at the exact moment of feeling like this paper is never, ever, ever going to be finished, up the font size, double space the thing and voila! You've actually gone over in length! Ok... maybe I am the only one who does that. For some reason, it makes me feel better.

I am officially on Week Three of Stephen being gone. And, to be honest, it isn't any better than Week One. I still miss him just as much, and it doesn't get any easier. Weird, right? But, I have learned some interesting things about myself. Example: I can pretty much eat the same thing every day for two weeks and not really care. If I am not cooking for someone else, zero effort goes into the thing. 

This is NOT me!

But, it's not all gloom and doom. I have nearly doubled the amount of miles I run a day. I have found a passion for serving others and putting together events (I really should be an event planner... and possibly a cosmetologist. And maybe a stunt driver. I have always wanted to be an awesome stunt driver. But I digress). I have this incredible support system that makes every day a little bit better. I have never been this excited to check my mail. And I have a new habit of writing down things I am grateful for whenever I start feeling gloomy or stressed or mad.

 

I was flipping through some of my notes from several classes and I have all these random lists of "gratitude's". And... let's be honest, some days it is just so hard and awful feeling that the things I am grateful for are fingernail polish, scoop-able kitty-litter and a new toothbrush. But it never fails to make me feel better about life. Try it guys. It really does help. 

Ok, so here is something I have got to know. To all you amazing women who see sticks, ribbon, fabric and an old pot and think, "Oh my goodness! That would make the cutest XYZ!" HOW DO YOU DO IT! I am looking around at the grocery store, stuck in a ridiculously long check-out line, and I pick up a magazine with fun halloween stuff on it. I am thinking to myself, "Oh good, maybe I can come up with a costume!" Nope. Instead, it made me feel guilty for making my chocolate-chip cookies from a Betty Crocker mix instead of making these "easy" owl cupcakes, complete with adorable big eyes and homemade chocolatey goodness. 

What is it about making cute stuff? How do you women do it?! I literally have a hard time making a birthday card. I usually end up using one of my many 3X5 notecards laying around for research purposes and just write a heartfelt happy birthday.... My kids are doomed. But! There is hope.

Though I may never be like my many friends and relatives who's homes are filled with cute, homemade knick-knacks and gourmet meals, I may someday have the good luck to find that I have become like Erma Bombeck and have given hope to all the women in the world who, honestly, just can't craft.  Erma is my hero. I love her honesty. Her ability to admit that her kids drove her crazy. Her candid columns on the ups and downs of marriage, and her heartwarming messages of embracing who we are - extra pounds, dirty houses, bad days and all. She was the first person I ever knew to admit that she was not ok, life sucked and hey look I just found a penny so it can't really be that bad! Her optimism and openness inspire me. 

So, guess what guys? This next week, when someone asks how we are doing and we aren't having a good day, look them in the eyes and say, "Today is about as good as that time I ran over my own foot with my car. But, its ok. It's just one day and I am strong enough to get through it. Thank you so much for taking the time to ask me." And if they are just being superficial and waiting for you to say, "Just fine, thank you." Then... why are you wasting your time on that person any ways? 

Here's to being real! To accepting our lumps, bumps, scrapes and moments of complete forgetfulness! 

So, I'll start: My husband has been gone for two weeks and I tear up about once a day. And you know what? I feel grateful that I have been given the amazing gift of loving a man so much that being without him hurts every moment of every day. Who could ask for more than that?