Disappearing Act

So... I haven't written in a while. Why you ask? Simple: Whenever life gets hard I do a disappearing act. I cut off contact from friends and family. I try to bury myself until it is safe to come out. I don't want to burden anyone else with my trouble, nor do I want sympathy. I have some serious pride issues.

What with losing my job, finding a job, learning that my new boss was expecting me to do the work of three people with hardly any compensation, quitting that job, finding a new job that couldn't pay me and now being stuck in a feeling that is getting really old... I lost touch with the outside world.

The truth is, I do this whole "disappearing act" quite a bit. Whenever I move away from somewhere, I do my best to cut off contact with the friends I left behind. Its too painful to try and maintain contact. Like I am trying to live in two places at once. And the thing is, I don't do pain very well. At least not the emotional kind. (My physical pain threshold is alarmingly high...) I am a runner. I run from the people I actually have feelings for. Its like, if I can't have them all the way then I can't have them at all. And, while I don't run from my problems, I don't like dealing with the aftermath of a sticky situation. Examples: I left Lehi to move to Spring City. Did I ever try to contact and talk with the friends I left behind? Nope. I left Spain for Orem. Have I talked to anyone since I left? Not really. I moved from Logan to Spring City, did I try and check on my old pals? Sadly, no. It seems that if someone wants to be my friend, they have to do a whole lot of work to keep track of me. And, I hate this about myself.

So, this is an apology. To all those I have left behind. To those friends who gave me love and support and then were cut out of my life. I am very sorry for all of my ex-boyfriends who thought that I could move on faster than I could tie my shoes. You see, while you thought I was moving on from you... I was just trying to save face and lose all my hurt in trying to please someone else. I rebound like nobody's business, and its just plain pathetic. So, I'm sorry. I felt for you more than you know, more than I would ever let on. I hated all the girls you dated after me. I wanted to be the one to make you smile, even while another guy was holding my hand. Messed up? You betcha. And, if I could, I would go back and let you see the heartbreak and the anger written all over my face. I would be horrified to see you with another girl, and you would know it. I'm sorry if you ever thought I was callous. And I am very sorry to all those guys I used as rebounds. You didn't deserve to be my "move along" guy. All I can say now is, thank the heavens above that some good man still saw fit to love me, even with all my flaws, and has promised to love me forever.

With the help of this loving man, I have been able to face a lot of my previous fears. I have proved to myself that I CAN RUN! And not away from my problems. I have officially ran 1.5 miles, several times over now. And every time I do it, I feel like I gain a little more respect for myself. With the help of several friends, I have come to the realization that though I have some serious issues, I'm still pretty darn cool. I am still a good friend (though not the best to many of my friends in previous spots of living) and I make wicked half-baked chocolate chip cookies. I plan to continue moving forward. And, if I can (and I won't promise anything but I will do my darndest) I will be moving forward with all my friends. That is, as long as you are willing to come with me.

Aaaaaannnnndddd...... Starting Again

I have never claimed to be perfect. Ever. Except for that one time, and I was joking then. So, this particular entry into my online conscience is to confess. I have been a horrible, awful, no good goal keeper. Have I exercised once this week? No. No I have not. Have I been eating well? No. Actually, I've been eating atrociously. Seriously, we're talking pizza and fruit snacks. The only vegetable I've eaten was a sweet potato fully loaded with caramel sauce and melted marshmallows. Have I been trying at all?! Nope. So, here we go. Starting again.

Ever since I found out that I was losing my job, I went into over-stressed-freak-out-panic-Jeannie-mode. This mode isn't pretty. It entails constantly clenched teeth, hardly eating anything and when I do eat it is terribly unhealthy; snapping at my poor innocent husband, glaring at happy people and retreating from the world into my own secret world of books. Needless to say, I haven't been nice to anyone in about two weeks. And I have been especially mean to myself. Which is funny, considering the whole losing my job wasn't my fault at all. But... I guess if anything goes wrong I immediately begin beating myself up about it. Even if I know it isn't my fault.

So, starting today (on a Friday of all days!) begins a new start to both my goals and how I am treating myself. No more telling myself I'm not good enough, or I"m not pretty or I'm pathetic. Nope. And eating healthy, heck yes! It is time to start meal planning and buying healthy foods (hopefully my husband doesn't mind the change of menu...). It is time to start pushing myself to exercise.

This brings me to the very exciting news of a new venue of support. My dear, darling, handsome husband has agreed to coach me. He is going to help me reach that freaking 5K that is dancing so allusively in front of me. I've got this! Is he going to run me into the ground?! Most likely. Am I going to hate him at times during that run? Probably. Is it going to be awesome?!?!?! Absolutely!


So, I am going to go and start researching healthy foods and plans and figure something. I'll be honest... I have no idea where to start. If anyone has ANY ideas, please, please, please let me know. I could use the help.

And... I am also wondering how many times I am going to be re-starting. And Giving myself the same pep talks. Are you wondering how many times you are going to have to read a blog (if you so chose to keep reading this) and have me fall off the band wagon and pull myself back on again? I'll try to keep them down to a minimum, I promise. But, please forgive me if this happens occasionally. I'll get it right eventually!