A Hero's Welcome

My husband is home for the Holidays!!!!!

I could not be more excited.

Just a story worth sharing: I was waiting for Stephen at the airport. And I thought I would pass out before he actually got here. I was just bouncing around, trying really hard to hold still. The airport was crowded with a bunch of people with signs for missionaries coming home. They all smiled at me indulgently, probably thinking I was waiting for a missionary.

I saw Stephen coming around the corner from his reflection in the glass and I promised myself that I would hold still.

I lied to myself.

As soon as he got out from that long hallway I found myself running towards him and throwing myself in his arms. The whole airport burst into cheers. It sounded like we had just won a big football game or something. Everyone was yelling, clapping and cheering like crazy. And it went on for a while. We made it to the back of the crowd and just held each other for a minute and then made our way to the escalator.

As we went up, people below saw us and again started cheering.

It was awesome.

And I think that for the first time ever, the outside world sounded exactly like how I was feeling.

Dear Santa

Dear Santa/Stephen,

I know it is fairly impossible, but Christmas is all about endless possibilities! So, For Christmas I want one of the following:

I have been a very, very, very good girl. Really, I promise. I have brushed my teeth at least twice a day, cleaned my room, did the dishes, told the truth and been the best wife ever.


I know there is lots of room for improvement, but think of all the happiness and joy and lessons a puppy will bring! I promise I would feed it and walk it and love it every day.

Have a very, merry Christmas!

Love,
Jeannie

P.S. - Thanks for an amazing Christmas last year! The running shoes were perfect I have used them at least once a week :) And only think, if you get me a puppy I will use them even more cause puppies need lots of exercise!

Automatic Everything

Sometimes I worry about the world. Mainly I worry about kids not believing in fairies,

 the accepted lie that is the American Buffalo (it is not a buffalo it          is a BISON)







and 80's fashions coming back.But I have recently come across a truly troubling phenomenon: the automation of everything.

From escalators and moving floors (and they wonder why obesity is on the rise!), automatic hand dryers, toilets, lights, paper towel dispensers, drinking fountains, soap dispensers, doors, bill pay and car windows the world may one day forget how to turn on a sink or open a door. But the latest in a long string of offenders: automatic toilet paper dispensers.

That's right. UNbelievable! How do they (who ever they are, which is another question we shall not go into for fear of excessive rambling and soap box standing) know how much toilet paper I need/want? Did they do a study to see how many squares the average person used? (how would they even conduct that study?!)

Honestly, it made me feel lazy. Like someone had invaded my "restroom time". Ridiculous? Perhaps. But still, I have to constantly watch and fear for the unsuspecting automatic toilet flush.And now, the automatic toilet paper?

Now, I am trying to understand that it is probably all about reducing germs and yata yata yata.But I do find it insulting, irritating and downright strange!

They either:
 A) Worryabout the over use of toilet paper and want to cut costs and reduce flood possibilities (Which are still very  much in place because you can get the dispenser to give you toilet paper over and over and over again).
B) Are germaphobes and shudder at the thought of the different hands touching that last square of toilet paper that they themselves might use (in which case they should probably start disinfecting their credit cards. Do you have any idea how many hands probably touch those in a week?!)
 or
 C) Are trying to take over the world by making people stupid and dependent on automatic everything and will one day revert it ALL back to manual and then have the world screaming in the palms of their hands for HELP!

A little far fetched? I think not!

But seriously, how did they actually know how much toilet paper I needed? It was literally the perfect amount! I think that is the most disturbing part of all....

Fingernail Polish

I have an odd relationship with fingernail polish. I love it, and I hate it. I love it because the colors are so pretty! (I have an insane fingernail polish collection. I think I have almost every shade of green and blue possible.) But I hate it because it doesn't matter what kind I use, it always ends up chipping.

I hate it when my fingernail polish is chipped. It just looks so tacky.

So what's a girl to do? (Besides go and buy that awesome grey one I saw at Target the other day).

I would like to say that if I could do cute art on my fingernails, I totally would. This is, sadly, beyond me. 

You know, if it didn't take me a lifetime to paint my fingernails, I would probably be a lot happier about this. But for some reason, it takes me at least half a movie to get old fingernail polish off, nails trimmed and new color applied. Why?! This is insanity!

Something else: feet are not cute. But, apply a nice color of fingernail (toenail? Does it matter?) polish and suddenly they are at least 50% cuter. Not on men though. It is never really right for a man to be wearing fingernail polish.

Any ways, that being said I haven't worn fingernail polish in almost two weeks. And it's honestly a little weird. Maybe I'll paint my fingernails tonight....

My Revolution

You know, there comes a time in ones life when it just seems like you must start a revolution! I've considered starting a revolution over my Senior Thesis... I thought about a revolution to end this ridiculous obsession with Twilight. I have pondered revolting against the mass love of Eggnog. But, it finally hit me today what revolution I want to start:

I more than kind of love this! I know how hard it is to love your body because, if you think about it, if you aren't depreciating your own value some people think you are vain/proud/cocky/etc. But you know what?! Let's start this revolution. Seriously, do you have any idea what could happen if the next generation of girls grew up hearing, "You are so beautiful!" and seeing real women with real bodies showing off the fashions of today?

Now, I know that there are a TON of organizations out there trying to change the image of what is "beautiful". Really! Want to see a list?

http://realbeautyis.com/
http://www.dove.us/Social-Mission/campaign-for-real-beauty.aspx (I really love this one!)
http://www.healthyweight.net/index.htm
http://www.girlsontherun.org/theprogram.html
http://childrensbodyimagefoundation.org/
http://wingsforkids.org/experience/hot-wings?gclid=CLym0JfY9awCFcoaQgodQ0IVRg

And that is just to name a few!

Can you remember the first time you felt that maybe you didn't look right? Maybe you should change something about yourself to fit in? Do you know when that consciousness started to develop? I can remember the first time I thought that there might be something "wrong" or "different" about myself. And you know what? It was when someone told me!

I lived blissfully unaware that I wasn't "beautiful" or "skinny" until someone actually pointed out that I needed to change to be happy. Guess what? Up until that point my clothes rarely matched, and I thought it was awesome. I didn't see a difference between myself or my friends. I thought we were all beautiful in our own way. Was I taller than one girl? Maybe. Didn't matter.

How could I have maintained that wonderful confidence? It would seem impossible in today's world. And, since that day I found out that I didn't look "good enough" I have been trying to change myself. I have been telling myself LIES!

"You're not good enough."

"You are not beautiful."

"No one could love you"

"What's the point in trying? You'll always be ugly and fat."

Like I said: LIES!

And you know what is sad? I would (and still do, to be perfectly honest with you) talk badly about myself around men to get them to compliment me ( I just do it around my husband now, poor guy). I needed to hear from others that they found me attractive because I couldn't see that in myself.

Something I have learned: Men Like Confident Women. 

They do. They find it irresistible and sexy. A study showed that one of the reasons men like "bad girls" is because they are confident and in full control of their body (or at least appear to be). 

Now, if you ask me... that seems like a pretty good thing. I want my husband to find me irresistible. I want to be that sexy, confident woman he can't wait to talk to. You know, when  you tear yourself down and you are hard on yourself, your spouse/partner becomes more insecure themselves. True story. Because you are so critical of yourself they believe you will be critical of them. Negativity feeds off of negativity. 

Want a strong, healthy, loving relationship? Build your own self-esteem AND your partners. When you are fully confident in yourself, you  no longer need to constantly talk about yourself to feel good. You don't need to have others talk about your awesome qualities either. So, when you feel yourself to be truly beautiful you have more time to build others, enjoy life, listen to stories and love the skin you're in. 

Is there anything wrong with improving what you already have? Not at all. But make sure to awknowledge how amazing you are to begin with. Go for a healthier you. Don't focus on what your body looks like, but what  your body can do. Let others know how wonderful they are, and never let anyone hear you say something negative about yourself. Accept compliments gracefully. 

That is what I am going to try to do.

This is MY revolution.

Joy, Love and Running

Joyous joy of jubilation!

I saw my husband! I had a wonderful, fantastic, beautiful couple of days in ugly Fort Leonard Wood. But I loved every second of it. I didn't mind the traveling or anything. I just loved seeing my husband.

I was so worried that he was going to change, and he did change. But only in good ways. I didn't think Stephen could become any better... but he did! And so, I had an amazing trip. (I won't bore you with my raptures of wedded bliss (: and you're very patient for my past happy posts).

So, this past weekend I had the opportunity to do the Santa Run in Provo! It was so much fun, but not very well planned. You see, I flew in the night before that. I was tired and grumpy without my husband. And, I had an elevation headache. I didn't sleep at all that night, worked that day from 9-2:00 (check in for the race was at 3:00). Add to that throwing up the morning of the race and eating only 1/4 of a Jamba Juice smoothie and you kind of have a recipe for disaster!

Oh, and I forgot my knee brace. Oops.

Thankfully, my awesome bestest bud/Aunt Tammy did the race with me!

We didn't exactly run the full 5K. We cut off about half a mile, but it was still a blast! (And our time was seriously damaged when 1/3 through the race I really, really had to pee so we stopped at a nice little restaurant and used the restroom. Oops).

Next time, we are going to run the whole thing! And it will be awesome.

I am still working hard on my weightloss/fitness goals. I love running and yoga, but I love yoga the best! My goal is to not gain any weight this holiday season. I managed to actually lose 1 lbs over Thanksgiving (quite a feat if you ask me!) so I know that I can succeed!

Well everyone, thanks for all of your love and support through it all. Now I just have to wait another two weeks and I get to see my husband again! Sadly, we still have another 4 1/2 months apart. But, we are blessed enough to be able to talk to each other every day. I think that is a miracle and a bigger blessing than most people will ever understand.

Stay awesome!

Can You Believe It?!

Woooooowww.

Wow! Holy top ramen! Unbelievable!

I see my husband this week!

I'm only so excited I can't sleep at night... No big deal. But really, I am so, so, so, so, so excited. I can't believe that it is finally here! Everyone kept telling me that time would fly by and it would be here before I knew it. 

EVERYONE LIED!

Time did not fly. It crawled. You know, it didn't even crawl by. I've seen some pretty fast babies crawl. So it has oozed by. (Gross)

Regardless of how long it took, it is finally here! 

Wow.

You know, I would have to say these past 2 1/2 months have been the hardest months I have ever lived. I have cried more, fallen apart more and just didn't want to face each day... But I have also learned so much about myself. 

Did you know that in the past 10 weeks I have worked out mroe consistently than ever before? I've lost 4 inches off my hips (YAY ME!) and a total of 11 inches. I have found out I am stronger than I thought. I have laughed when I felt like crying. I have cried when I should have been laughing... I have learned to ask for help.

"Just because you accept help from someone, doesn't mean you have failed. It just means you're not in it alone."

I've learned some pretty interesting things about myself. Did you know that I am actually pretty awesome? I know... sounds a little self-conceited. But really. I am a pretty good person. And I am learning to love that girl in the mirror a little more every day. 

Looking back on everything, I realize that I haven't been as strong as I could have. I know that I whined a lot. I took out my frustrations on close friends and family. I hid from some of the most important people in my life. I cried and cried and cried when I could have stepped back to see that things weren't really so bad. 

But all of that doesn't matter. Sure, I stumbled, I fell, I cried. But then I got up and moved on. As I said to a friend after a particularly pathetic breakdown, "I've cried. I've prayed. Now I conquer."

If anything, I have learned that I married the right man. I love my husband so much that I can hardly stand it. I love who he was, who he is and who he will become. Stephen is my personal miracle. He has shown me every day that there is no other man in the world for me. He is my one and only. I am so excited to finally be in his arms again. But I am nervous too.

Stephen is the best thing that ever happened to me. He is my home. I know he isn't perfect, but he is perfect for me. When you finally find out what home really feels like... the thought of being homeless is truly terrifying. Nothing is more beautiful than being in the arms of someone who has seen the worst in you and still loves you for it. Someone who you know will never walk away from you even though they deserve so much more... so you're always afraid that the most amazing aspect of your life might one day wake up and realize that they deserve the sun and they are settling for a star.

Yes, I am a little nervous to see him again because I have this incredibly irrational fear that he may realize that he deserves so much more than I can offer. But the great thing about this is... I know he loves me. And I know that sometimes I'm just an irrational idiot with low self-esteem.

GAH! I leave tomorrow to finally be with the man of my dreams again. I AM SO EXCITED!!!!

She Displaced Santa in My Top 5 Favorite People!

I am currently in the process of procrastinating writing my senior thesis. So far I have gone visiting teaching, made a toaster strudel, and played on facebook. Now I am considering changing the water for my roses (they are looking all wilted and sad). The truth is... I just don't want to do it. And, I feel overwhelmed. So I do that terrible, awful thing that I do when I am overwhelmed: nothing.

You heard me. Nothing.

Yup.

However, I am going to write this beast of a paper, and I am going to write it well! Especially since I have fun plans tonight. Bother. I don't want to be responsible any more. You know what? I am going to refuse to be responsible on my birthday. Perfect!

Ha. Take that world :)

Ok, so something that is actually semi-useful. Last night my dearest Peggie and I discovered the most amazing, stupendous, life-altering, mind-blowing yoga DVD in the universe. I am not kidding here people. AH-maZING!

The lady who instructs the DVD is named Ashley Turner. She is now ranking in my top 5 favorite people. (She displaced Santa, just in case you were wondering. She is that incredible.) I have done many varieties of yoga. I have done yoga with Suzanne Deason, Rodney Yee and others. As well as taking live classes. No one has even come close to Ashley Turner.

You don't just get a workout, you get an uplifting 50 minutes of recognizing how wonderful you are, eliminating harmful habits and envisioning your goals for both weight loss and life.

EVERYONE needs to at least LISTEN to this DVD at least once in their lives. I am not kidding. Don't be offended if you end up getting one as a Christmas gift.

Well... ok. I'll stop procrastinating and get to work now. * Sigh *

My Day of Miracles

Yesterday was my One Year Anniversary. And it was a day full of miracles. Even though my husband could not be here to celebrate with me I felt his presence in every moment. The Lord watched out for us both. The only way it could have been better would be if we could have been together.

It started out with a simple phone call. A phone call that I had prayed for all week long. But this phone call was a true miracle. You see, his whole Company had lost phone privileges. (I'm not sure as to why... but when I find out who messed this up.... well let's just say I will make their Drill Sergeant's look like fluffy teddy bears). Yup. I am not supposed to expect a phone call for the rest of his training. And yet, here was my phone ringing! I looked at the number and saw that it was a Missouri number. I immediately jumped to the awful conclusion that something was horribly wrong and they were calling me to say Stephen had been hurt. But no. I answered the phone and heard the most wonderful voice in the whole wide world: My husband!!!

You see, when he found out he had lost phone privileges he prayed and prayed that a way would be provided for him to call me. We both live for those phone calls, but it was especially important since it was our anniversary. So, when he walked into Church, the bishop just looked at him and said, "You need to use my phone, don't you?" And that wonderful man let Stephen use his phone to call and wish me a Happy Anniversary. I had five minutes of heaven. Nothing really beats hearing your husband's voice. It was so beautiful and wonderful! What a blessing.

Our Life Is Always and Adventure!

Well, we get off the phone and I get ready for church. After Sunday school a lady introduced me to her daughter-in-law and son. The son had just returned from a deployment a few months ago. I talked with his wife for a while and we both talked about how hard it is to have our husbands gone, when he walked over and started chatting with me. 

When he found out Stephen was gone, he put his hand on my shoulder and said, "How are you really doing? I know you Army Wives put on brave faces, but I want to know what is really going on. Are you ok?" I, of course, promptly started to tear up and cry. I choked out it was my anniversary. He just looked at me for a second. And then he gave me this big hug.

"I know your soldier can't be here, so here is a hug from another soldier who understands."

I. Lost. It. Totally just started crying. Someone knew and understood how heartbreaking it was to be away from the most important person in my life. Someone could see and understand my pain. And one soldier stepped in to help another soldier who was far away from home and ensure that his wife would be ok. I will forever be grateful for the man and woman who stepped in to let me know that I was not alone. I hope that someday, I can do the same thing for another woman in need. 

Later that night I had dinner with my In-Laws. When I arrived there was beautiful bouquet of red roses waiting for me. I have never seen prettier flowers any where! With them was a note that said, "I will love you until the last rose dies." There was a silk rose among the live ones. Yes. I am married to the best man in the whole universe. Just sayin'.

 

But! That isn't even the end of it. So, we are all eating dinner when I get a text from a number I don't recognize. It says, "Happy Anniversary from your husband." Stephen had tracked down someone in another company with phone access, gave them my phone number and that sweet soldier had taken the time out of his limited phone time to text me. This soldier made sure I knew that Stephen wouldn't be able to call me. He said that Stephen really wanted to make sure I had a good day.

My husband had used every resource available to him to make sure I had a good day even though he couldn't be there. I can not believe to what lengths he went to ensure I knew how loved I was. He did everything he could. When faced with this incredible man and all of his love, I don't know what to do. I know that I will work forever to try and be the woman he deserves and will probably always come up short. 

Marrying Stephen was the greatest thing I could ever do. He is everything I could ask for and more. Nothing will ever compare to the love he gives me. I love this man more than I can say. I am so grateful for the beautiful gifts from above that ensured that while we may be apart, nothing will ever take away the love we have. Time and distance will only make us stronger. 

So, Happy Anniversary to the most amazing man I've ever known. I love you!

I Can't Think of A Cool Title... Bother...

So, it's been a while.

Sorry.

Let's just say I have been on survival mode for the past month or so. Stephen has been gone for 6 weeks. I only have 28 more days until I can see him!!!!! Excited much? I can't wait to see my incredible husband again.

You know what, this month has been tough. Really, super, horribly tough. And I have learned so much about myself. I have learned how to push through sleepless nights and have productive days. I have learned that love knows no boundaries and can stretch over miles and miles. And, I have learned that I can, in fact, be consistent.

You see, I have this awesome workout partner. She comes over EVERY night and we do P90X! Together, we are conquering the world and rediscovering that super hot chick with the six-pack. Last week, we didn't miss a day. Not one day. As a result, we got to go and see the new Three Musketeers (which was pretty awesome. I enjoyed it thoroughly).  So.. yay! Yay for working out and feeling good about myself!

You know something? When you are getting ready to get married, everyone is always telling you how hard marriage is, but how wroth it everything is in the end. I can't tell you how many people would say, "Oh, marriage is a lot of work. But if you pull through it is all worth it."

I have something to say to those people: You. Lied!

Ok, maybe not "lied".... but, seriously, marriage is easy when it's how most people do it. You know, the whole, living in the same place according to both your rules. Try making a marriage work when one of you is being ruled by the army, miles and miles and miles away, with only letters for communication and a phone call that (depending how it goes) can make or break your whole week!!!!


Yeah. That my friends is hard. But, it is also worth it. Sometimes I wonder what in the name of puce colored butterflies we were thinking when Stephen joined the army. I mean, seriously, WHY?!?!?!?!?! But then, I think about my incredible husband. I think about his talents and abilities. I think about how, when it comes down to it, he was really made for this. I swear, he was born to be a soldier. And I couldn't be more proud of my brave, strong husband.

For every day I have had a hard time, he has had a letter of encouragement. For every time I have cried in my car at school, he has sent me 10 "I love yous". For every night of sitting in my car not wanting to face the empty house, he has given me courage because I know that he believes in me. For every sleepless night, he has given me a reason to face the day as proudly as I could. I am married to an amazing man. He is every inch the hero all those Army commercials try to portray. He is my reason for smiling, laughing, crying and loving. He has been stronger than I ever could be. I am so grateful for him!!!

Alright, in other news... Like I said, P90X is going GREAT, due to the incredible, the beautiful, the amazing Peggie! And, because I really, really, really want to be running more... I totally just signed up for the Santa Run in Provo for December 3, 2011. Everyone has to run that race dressed like Santa Claus. How awesome is that?!

So, I have 28 days to get ready to see my incredible husband. One month to get ready for my 5K. I'm happy about this. It'll keep me busy. Not to mention, my very first Anniversary is this Sunday. My birthday is in 20 days and then Thanksgiving. November is shaping up to be a pretty awesome month.

Thanks for all the love and support every one! I couldn't do it without you.

What?!

Ok. You know when you are going along, minding your own business, knowing you have a few things to work on when BAM! Out of nowhere you see pictures of yourself and you go, "What?! I really look like that?!" That has happened to me twice this weekend. It has made me want to cry. (DISCLAIMER!!!! I am NOT trying to get sympathy, compliments, words of condolence or anything of that nature. I am venting here!)

No seriously, I thought I was starting to look pretty ok. And then I see those pictures. Seriously? How long as it been that way? I know that I am by no means super overweight. I just have some "Juicy bits". Juicy bits I DO NOT LIKE!!!

And, you'd think that I would get all motivated to work out more and eat healthy. Which I kind of do, but the reality of it is I get so freaking depressed that I either don't eat at all or I "depress eat".  And then I go around beating myself up about it. I know, I know. Slow and steady wins the race and all that crap. But guess what? I WANT RESULTS NOW!!!!

Stupid. I know.

I get it. I am beautiful. I am talented. My husband thinks I'm hott (and so do some disrespectful Hispanic kids at Wal-Mart). But guess what world, I am one frustrated woman. Did you hear me?!

F-R-U-S-T-R-A-T-E-D!

I have been trying to run consistently, but now I see that it is going to take more than that. I have P90X, but I know the resulting soreness that fallows and haven't wanted to push myself. Well, enough is enough. I am NEVER having another picture taken again where I look remotely like that. No joke people. I've had it!

So, to follow the rules, I know that I am a very talented, kind, mostly sweet person :) I know that I am beautiful and that I can do anything I put my mind too (RIGHT?!) I know that my sweet husband thinks I am the most beautiful woman in the world. And, I know that I am so lucky to have the many blessings that I do have.

Like My Dear Cat Lulu

Let's be honest here: My house is a mess. I have not studied for a big mid-term. I am uber depressed about my husband being gone. I feel kind of like a loser. And, to top it off, I am a little more "juicy" than I would like and it is frustrating the living daylights out of me.

But you know what? I am gloriously human. My house will be clean in 15 minutes or so. I am going to study up a storm and be ready to go bright and early tomorrow morning. I have the best husband in the whole wide world. I have amazing friends and family. I seriously have the best support team on the planet. I have all the tools to look and be exactly what I want to be. I've got this! I can do this! I rock at life! Go me!

Oh yeah.... and I kind of burnt my lunch to an unrecognizable crisp and my house smells all burnt-y. But, hey, that's nothing new.

Guess what folks: I am human. And so are you. Let's all be honest about it, m'kay?

Kind of Random, but It Has a Lot of Heart

Am I the only one who likes to write papers in a smaller font, single spaced and then at the exact moment of feeling like this paper is never, ever, ever going to be finished, up the font size, double space the thing and voila! You've actually gone over in length! Ok... maybe I am the only one who does that. For some reason, it makes me feel better.

I am officially on Week Three of Stephen being gone. And, to be honest, it isn't any better than Week One. I still miss him just as much, and it doesn't get any easier. Weird, right? But, I have learned some interesting things about myself. Example: I can pretty much eat the same thing every day for two weeks and not really care. If I am not cooking for someone else, zero effort goes into the thing. 

This is NOT me!

But, it's not all gloom and doom. I have nearly doubled the amount of miles I run a day. I have found a passion for serving others and putting together events (I really should be an event planner... and possibly a cosmetologist. And maybe a stunt driver. I have always wanted to be an awesome stunt driver. But I digress). I have this incredible support system that makes every day a little bit better. I have never been this excited to check my mail. And I have a new habit of writing down things I am grateful for whenever I start feeling gloomy or stressed or mad.

 

I was flipping through some of my notes from several classes and I have all these random lists of "gratitude's". And... let's be honest, some days it is just so hard and awful feeling that the things I am grateful for are fingernail polish, scoop-able kitty-litter and a new toothbrush. But it never fails to make me feel better about life. Try it guys. It really does help. 

Ok, so here is something I have got to know. To all you amazing women who see sticks, ribbon, fabric and an old pot and think, "Oh my goodness! That would make the cutest XYZ!" HOW DO YOU DO IT! I am looking around at the grocery store, stuck in a ridiculously long check-out line, and I pick up a magazine with fun halloween stuff on it. I am thinking to myself, "Oh good, maybe I can come up with a costume!" Nope. Instead, it made me feel guilty for making my chocolate-chip cookies from a Betty Crocker mix instead of making these "easy" owl cupcakes, complete with adorable big eyes and homemade chocolatey goodness. 

What is it about making cute stuff? How do you women do it?! I literally have a hard time making a birthday card. I usually end up using one of my many 3X5 notecards laying around for research purposes and just write a heartfelt happy birthday.... My kids are doomed. But! There is hope.

Though I may never be like my many friends and relatives who's homes are filled with cute, homemade knick-knacks and gourmet meals, I may someday have the good luck to find that I have become like Erma Bombeck and have given hope to all the women in the world who, honestly, just can't craft.  Erma is my hero. I love her honesty. Her ability to admit that her kids drove her crazy. Her candid columns on the ups and downs of marriage, and her heartwarming messages of embracing who we are - extra pounds, dirty houses, bad days and all. She was the first person I ever knew to admit that she was not ok, life sucked and hey look I just found a penny so it can't really be that bad! Her optimism and openness inspire me. 

So, guess what guys? This next week, when someone asks how we are doing and we aren't having a good day, look them in the eyes and say, "Today is about as good as that time I ran over my own foot with my car. But, its ok. It's just one day and I am strong enough to get through it. Thank you so much for taking the time to ask me." And if they are just being superficial and waiting for you to say, "Just fine, thank you." Then... why are you wasting your time on that person any ways? 

Here's to being real! To accepting our lumps, bumps, scrapes and moments of complete forgetfulness! 

So, I'll start: My husband has been gone for two weeks and I tear up about once a day. And you know what? I feel grateful that I have been given the amazing gift of loving a man so much that being without him hurts every moment of every day. Who could ask for more than that?

The Rules

I've realized one of the greatest outlets I have is writing. And, let's be honest, this week has been one of the longest, hardest weeks of my life. Between crying at home, in my drive-way, the school parking lot and the ladies room (at school) I think I have cried more over my husband being away than I have over any break-up EVER!

However, I've realized something about this.... I have been blessed to love a man so much that going one week without him is the hardest thing I could do. I have the great honor to be the wife to a man brave enough to go after his dreams, to do the hard things and do them all with a smile. I can't believe how lucky I am to serve my country and have the love of an incredible man. Nothing compares to that. I truly am a very blessed girl.

I have to say though... being so blessed can be a burden. Thankfully, it's a burden well worth bearing.

So, as I have sat at home, attempting to do my incredibly boring homework (I don't mind reading/writing/analyzing interesting homework! BUT boring homework? Ugh.) I have come to realize that though this royally bites I have been given a gift! Think about it this way: I have the opportunity to really work on the things I need to be the best me so that when my sweet husband sees me again I am better and braver than ever before! I can really focus on working out, excelling at school and working through my personal issues without having to involve anyone else. I have been given some growing space and dagnabit! I am going to use it! (Granted... I would rather have my husband here and just grow with him. But it is a pretty cool concept.)

So, Here are the ground rules:

1. For every complaint there must be a "grateful". So, if I moan and gripe and complain (which really is needed for anyone. We all need to vent) I must follow that time with the same amount of gratitude. (This also goes for any negative comments about myself and others)
2. GO TO BED AT A DECENT HOUR!!!!!! - This helps sanity. Going to bed early makes everything else bearable. Try it. Getting enough sleep suddenly gives the world this wonderful rosy-tint.
3. Eat - regularly, healthy food. This also makes the world much more bearable.
4. EXERCISE - "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't kill their husbands." While my husband isn't around to kill, the concept is still the same. Exercise just makes me happy. Not to mention I really want this hot bod for when my hubby sees me again. (And long, beautiful hair.... I am seriously thinking extensions. Anyone have any experience in that field that could give me some pointers?)
5. Service. It is really hard to be all lonely/sad/grumpy when serving others. It doesn't matter who it is or how small the deed, I am going to try to serve someone every single day. 
6. Love me. Everything listed above is really all about loving and taking care of myself. After all, I am soooooooooo  worth it!
7. Have faith. Lots and lots and lots of faith. Cause, in the end, "The future is as bright as my faith." And I want a future that just really shines. 

There you go. The rules! 

So now, when I am really missing Stephen, having to see a whole bunch of couples enjoying each other's company, or just feeling sorry for myself I know exactly what I need to do. 

Now - I need to go read a 30 page article on barbed-wire and it's impact on Western Economics. (Jealous? I knew you would be. Don't worry, I can always forward it to you so you don't feel left out)

P.S. Yes, I re-did my blog again! Why? Just cause.... it wasn't really ME! So.... I hope you like it! 

I did not die!

Hello All,
Just in case you were wondering, I didn't die. Nope. I am still here. I just had a couple of speed bumps thrown in my way and haven't had the time nor the brain power nor the desire to really write.

So, a brief update! My dear husband and I went to Florida on vacation! Yay for DisneyWorld and the Beach! We had a ton of fun and really enjoyed spending time with one another.

As soon as we got back from Florida I had to jump straight into school and job hunting and getting ready for Stephen to ship out for training. Life was busy. Life was hectic. Life was beautiful.

And then, this past Sunday, I had to drive up to Salt Lake City and drop my husband off at a hotel. I had to say goodbye to the most important person in my life. I get to talk to him through letters. Yippee. (I am about as enthusiastic about this as I am about getting a root canal). I know, I know... it's only for 2 1/2 months. But guess what? It still sucks!

So what have I been doing to cope? I'll be honest... it has not been easy. Some mornings I have to literally break down my day into teeny, tiny babysteps. Each little step accomplished is a victory I can celebrate! (I got out of bed, 2 points for Jeannie! Ohhh, I made the bed. I am kind of awesome. Look at me getting all dressed with hair and make-up done. Gold star!) Yes. This is what my life has been reduced it. And no, I am not exactly thrilled that my accomplishments are minuscule and things that most people do without thinking.

This is how I cope. And I know it will get easier. (It has to get easier. If it doesn't get easier... I demand a refund!) And, honestly, I see no shame in it. I talk to so many people and they are all unwilling to admit that they are struggling. Now, I know about putting on a brave face. I know about saying, "Oh I'm fine!" When, in reality, I just want to scream and shout and cry and hide in my closet with my cat and my 11 Seasons of Friends until the world comes back together again in an orderly fashion.

However, I would like to think that I have the strength to say that I am vulnerable. I have the courage to admit that it is not easy. That actually facing my empty bed at night and crawling into it with nothing but a pile of pillows takes a herculean effort. Guess what people? Life is hard. And you know what? The beauty of it is that I know I will make it through. I know I have the strength to just make it through each day, one day at a time. I have the presence of mind to celebrate the beauty of my small accomplishments. And I have the love of an incredible man that will not diminish over space and time. And for him, I will have the courage to face my empty bed each night, walk into my apartment with only a cat for company and face family and friend get-togethers with no one by my side. Yup. I can do this. It just isn't easy.

But who ever said it would be easy? The harder I work the more rewarding the end will be. So, today when I finish school, when I am done begging for jobs from anyone who will hire me, I will go home. Eat dinner with my cat (I will not be eating my cat for dinner, just to clarify) and turn on Food Network so I can hear voices while I tackle a pile of homework. We can do anything people. I promise.

Be Kind To Myself

I am a FLYbaby. (If you don’t know what that means, check out flylady.net and prepare to have your mind opened to new possibilities of awesomeness) What has this taught me? (Other than how to organize and keep my house company ready.) It has taught me that it’s very important to be kind to myself.

What does this mean?

This means, why in the world do I criticize myself so harshly when I would never say any of those things to a friend. I would never tell a friend that they shouldn’t try because they will just fail. I would do my best to make sure I was taking care of that friend so well that they were healthy in body, mind and spirit. So why am I so horrible to myself?

Why are we all so horrible to ourselves?

I have had to ask myself that question a lot lately. You see, despite my efforts I am nowhere near where I wanted to be, fit-wise, for our vacation next week. I was starting to get thoroughly discouraged, berating myself for my own laziness and lack of discipline. I have not been kind to me. So why have I even been trying?

A little slip up on the whole “healthy eating campaign” would bring words of such great disapproval that it was a wonder there was any of me left. Would I have ever told a friend, who upon telling me she had eaten ¼ of a bag of Dorritos, that there was absolutely no way she would ever be skinny and in shape? EVER. Because of that one slip up, because she was not perfectly attending to her healthy eating plan she would never, ever, on any planet get in shape and look toned and skinny.

The answer? No. I would never say anything like that. I would give words of encouragement. “One slip-up can’t ruin everything. Ten-slip ups won’t. Because you won’t give up! You’ll just keep on trying and do better and better. Don’t beat yourself up. You can make it. I promise.”

I was not so nice to myself.

I have berated, criticized, beaten down and demoralized myself for every little mistake. I look at where I want to be, see where I am and instead of saying, “Oh yeah! We are a little closer. We can get there. No worries, we’ve got this!” I end up hearing myself say, “I can’t believe I look like this. What is wrong with me? I can’t seem to do anything right. I look horrible. Why does my husband even like me?” 

How horrible. If someone else had been saying that to me every day I would have accused them of some serious verbal abuse. But, it’s just me abusing me. Which is worse than anyone else saying anything.

Truth is, I have hated the way I look since I was about thirteen. Thirteen! That is eight years of self-loathing! Eight years of hating my reflection. Eight years of suffering under the weight of self-doubt. I have been crushed by own opinion of myself for so long that now that I see the damage I have to wonder… how do I fix it?

First thing first! BE KIND TO MYSELF! Why is that so hard? To cut myself some slack? To say, “Hey, yeah, that wasn’t the best thing to do but that doesn’t ruin everything. It doesn’t have to be perfect to work. It just needs to be relatively consistent to work.”

Why do we expect perfection? Why can’t I see myself and think that I am beautiful? What is so hard about loving me the way I am? (Imperfections and all). It’s no wonder I haven’t seen the positive changes in myself that I wanted. It’s no wonder that I haven’t gotten the body of my dreams when I have given myself what I need to succeed.

In fact, this goes for all things. From writing, to cooking, to running to starting clubs! I haven’t given myself the support I need.

So, even though I know it isn’t going to be an easy change. Or a fast change. I know that I am going to start being nice to me. I will be my biggest and best support team! I will say only nice things to myself. I will treat myself like I would treat my best friend. Maybe even better. From the quality one-on-one time, to the encouraging words and loving acceptance I try to give all my best friends, I will try to give that to myself.

I will go to bed early because I deserve to feel refreshed and energized. I will eat good food because my body deserves to run on the best fuel possible. I will exercise because it makes me feel good, physically and emotionally. I will work on my book, cooking, yoga, rock climbing and whatever else I want too because I love to develop my talents. That, my friends, is being kind to myself.

So, have you been beating yourself up? Have you been your own worst enemy? Have you given yourself the love and credit you need to be the best you? Start being kind to yourself! Maybe, if we all band together, we can teach the young women that are following behind us to stand up to themselves, for themselves. To not give in to the belief that they are not good enough. To not drown in their own perfectionism. But to thrive in the love that comes from  accepting who you are, where you are and what you want to become.

No excuses people. I want to hear from you! Tell me, tell everyone that you are going to be nice to yourself and that everyone else needs to be nice to themselves too! Stand up for yourself. Stop bullying yourself and live your life with no regrets.

That is what I am going to try to do. Join in the love folks!

 

New Favorite Quote “The Difference in Who You Are and Who You Want to Be, is What You DO”