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Hello Again World, I'm Back and More Honest than Ever

You think I fell off the face of the planet, didn't you? Don't worry. So did I.

But I didn't. I just finally, FINALLY, had my husband back. And then I was thrown into a new town, a new job, a new house... a new dog (Yay for dogs!) and just... newness. Sometimes I like change. Sometimes I don't. But, to be honest, that was waaaaaaay to much change at once for me.That and I really wanted time to focus on my husband. So now we are back for round...(What number is this again?)

Let's be honest, I've restarted and restarted over and over and over again. And I'm ok with that. Really. Life is life. Lemons, watermelons, grapes, apples, tomatoes and all. And every time we turn around something new is being thrown in our face.

For instance, last time I checked in I had just moved to Monterey CA. Psych! I'm living in Utah again. Stephen's orders changed, and we're back in time for him to start school, me to start school (and work full time). And just in time to miss the nice, warm, care-free weather of Summer. (Stupid Monterey was always cold and cloudy.)

But I guess the big new is.... WE'RE BACK!

And I am back to blogging. Blogging cause it makes me happy. And blogging because I want everyone else to know how wonderful it is to be hopelessly flawed, helplessly romantic and a horrible cook. Perfection is sought after everywhere. And I want other people to know (just like I wish I had known) how ok it is to just... be ok. You don't have to cook gourmet meals, knit/crochet/do crafts, wear adorable outfits or have a wonderful, fast paced life. You can be you. And if that means hot dogs for dinner two nights in one week, than go for it! If that means you've restarted your exercise goals fifteen billion times, than at least you've restarted. And if you're in a slump, its ok. I still love you. God still loves you. You are still wonderful.

Everyone knows how many different types, times and ways I have tried to exercise. You probably know I tried doing a thrift-store fashion blog (don't laugh, I really tried. I might even try again... Ok, laugh if you want too). I even tried to do fancy cooking for a week. But it never worked out. Call me fickle. Or... something else. Oftentimes, I get frustrated. I get bored. I get mad that I can't do it perfectly or like everyone else does it and I fling it aside. But I'm trying to figure everything out, just like the rest of the world. I just want to be honest about it.

Ready for honesty? I have depression. I have been fighting it for years. Sometimes, I have really, really, really bad days(or weeks). Days my sweet, patient husband has to coax me out of bed and prove to me that the world isn't such a bad place. And I have good days. Days where I am perfectly convinced that unicorns ARE real, and fairies are everywhere. Some times, I just want to drown out the world with endless episodes of Friends. And other times I want to embrace the world for being so darn awesome.

Don't worry, I've seen and continue to see a therapist. I've tried different medications. It's part of who I am right now. I am not ashamed. This is my battle, and sometimes it is uphill. But I have accepted that this is one of the beautiful challenges that Heavenly Father is certain I can handle (sometimes I worry He has too much faith in me.) I have been given so many allies and loved ones who cheer from the sidelines. I have the great blessing of being married to a man who loves me no matter what. And every day I have the chance to start over. To forget the things in the past, and make today awesome. Perfection is unattainable. But laughter, love, service and restarts are always within your reach.

To anyone else who struggles, who thinks you are are alone and no one understands. To those who feel like I do sometimes, that life can't go on. That you will never succeed. That your dreams will never become a reality, please know how much you are loved. I know how hard it is to force your way out of the dark cave of your own uncertainty and unhappiness. And some days it's too much to take and becoming a recluse is the only option. No matter what, there is someone near you who loves you. Both in this life and the next. If there is one thing I have learned it is that I am never a lone. And if there is one thing you can take from this please, remember that it is ok to just be ok. It is ok to not always be "ok". You don't have to be perfect, or happy all the time. You can take things at your pace. Your hardest critic is yourself. Cut yourself some slack. Give yourself the gift of today.  I can't guarantee that everything will be alright. I have days all the time where it is not alright. But you can make it. I can make it. We just have to band together.

Random Adventures

So the other day, Stephen and I had to go to the dealership to have our ( new) car checked out. (Did I mention we have a new car! Cause we do... YAY!) 

This dealership is like half an hour away from our house. Which is annoying, but livable. I mean, its not like I have to drive to the moon or anything. (I hate driving to the moon. It takes forever to get there, and there isn't much too look at.) But it was still a ways away. 

Well, on the way home Stephen said, "Hey look!" And suddenly veered off the road onto this little road that was surrounded by sand drifts. In some places you could hardly see the road for the sand. I was glad we had all wheel drive. After driving for a mile or so there was finally a little place to pull off to the side and park the car.

Now, it was a windy day. But you don't realize how windy until you are on the beach. It was WINDY.

But we still decided to have fun. In this little bay there were all sorts of boats docked, and a huge group (herd? flock? gaggle? family?) of sea otters just lounging around and playing.

We walked down the road and up a huge sand dune to see the ocean. I would have taken a picture, but it was so windy I coud hardly breathe, and the sand was flying everywhere and so it was more or less going to completely ruin electronics out there by the open sea. It was INSANE! But a ton of fun! I have never seen such angry and crazy water before....

Any whoo, here are some pictures of our adventure.

Aren't we cute?!

I feel like I am trying to pull of a "skater" look here or something. But it was just THAT windy!

View from inside the car

Another awesome hair moment

It was a nice little day together. It was a good way to kick off the weekend too because we went from our little beach adventure to seeing Men In Black 3 (highly recommend seeing it. I laughed so hard).

A lesson well learned

In my extensive years as a gourmet cook.


Let's try that again.

Ahem.

In my many years of trying to be domestic.


Bother.

So, we all know that I've been trying this whole cooking thing. (Y'all know that. Right?) Well here is something I have learned that will not change your life. It probably won't rock your world. But it is good to know nevertheless.

So, here it is.

So Stephen and I went out and did errands today. We got home late, so I decided to do something quick for dinner. The answer, ravioli!

However, the water wasn't boiling fast enough (the whole watched pot thing...) So I resorted to what every home should have: an well otter pop stocked freezer.

So I was eating my popsicle when it came time to taste the spaghetti sauce. Only problem was, my popsicle was pink.

Why was this a problem? Well, for one it was a popsicle. My mouth was all cold. My poor tastebuds were frozen! I couldn't really taste much. And when I did, it tasted like pink otter pop.

Pink otter pop and spagetti sauce do not mix. At all.

Yuck.

So the lesson learned: maybe go with a different popsicle flavor when trying to stave off hunger. Or just don't mix popsicles with Italian food.

Dinner did taste pretty great though. Gotta love me som ravioli!

Adjusting

Hey guys.

I know it's been a while.

Again.

Sorry about that.

You see, I've been having trouble adjusting. You'd think that I would have this whole adjusting thing down. In fact, with the many moves and changes in my life you would think that I was quite the pro at adjusting.

I'm not. And it's hard to admit it through my clenched grin-and-bear-it toothy grimace-for-a-grin.

So many things hit me so quickly! Finals, Stephen's graduation, moving (I had one day to pack my house, and I spent the entire day with the stomach flu. It was a day of disasters and miracles. A day that seemed to be half me throwing up, half filled with incredible people and 3/4 filled with exhaustion.), unpacking and getting the worst chest cold I've ever had.

But you know what, I am with my husband once again.

You heard me.

STEPHEN IS HOME!

And, in the end, I guess it's all totally worth it. Sure I am in a new city that seems to always be cold. But the views are great! The beach is five minutes away! (only a crazier-person-than-me would attempt to get in that water though. It's so cold it'd freeze a corn dog right out of the fryer.)

Yeah I don't know anyone yet. But that's ok. I like new people. I'll make friends!

And sure, I'm a wee bit bored. I don't have a job and Stephen works all day. My house has never been cleaner. And I get to work on my creative endeavors (whatever they are...)

And! I get to be with my husband once again.

I can't tell you how incredible it is to actually know that at the end of the day, my husband is going to be walking through our door. Or that I don't have to worry about saying goodbye soon. He is here to stay! And I no longer have to sleep with one eye open in case anything happens in the night. I can fall asleep in the arms of the man who has promised to love and protect me for the rest of eternity. I will never again take for granted the security that comes from knowing that he is only 15 minutes away.

So, if you have the chance, go make sure you aren't taking the one person who makes the world go round for granted. You have them now. And you may have them forever. But you never know how long they will be in your present. So make enough memories now to last for the future, and build a past that can help you through whatever tomorrow might hold. You have today to say I love you, and forever to remember how it felt when you were embraced in their arms as they said, "I love you too."

A Wonderful Breakthrough (After a Streak of Bad Karma)

Wonderful things have happened lately! (And I mean wonderful!) And it's about time too.... I was having a streak of rather rotten luck (car in the shop for a few days, several injuries, an incredibly traumatic dentist appointment... I could go on. But I will not depress you).

To be perfectly honest with you, I was beginning to think I had permanently broken my karma. I did not want to be the girl with the perma-bad-karma. It doesn't sound good, it doesn't look good and it certainly doesn't feel good.

Thankfully, I think its on the up and up!

You see, after several weeks of working and writing and thinking and re-thinking I have created a website that is taking off! I love it. It is awesome. Check it out: http://www.thethriftstorefashionista.com/

But that isn't the only good news, I think I have broken though a barrier of thinking that has been holding me back. Lately I have spent a lot of time reading inspirational literature, meditating, writing in my journal and practicing a mind frame of positiveness (apparently "positivity" is not a recognized word, I've been using it for years!). So what has changed?

Quite a lot. I have become a lot more accepting of myself (no where near perfect but a lot better than I was). And Saturday morning something happened. I woke up and wanted to go for a run. This is strange. Usually I have to force myself to go running. But this time I actually wanted to run.

How unusual!

I think the fact that it was sunny and things were blooming outside so invitingly really helped. I am a fair-weather runner. Running in snow is not a good thing. Running in a cold wind is also not a good thing. Running in sunshine? That is an excellent thing (I think getting a good tan is high on my list of motivators when it comes to running...)

But the real, big, awesome, HUGE change? I wanted to run for the fun of it!!!! AH! I wasn't running to feel skinnier or to feel better about myself. I wasn't running so I could eat dessert (I would eat it anyways...). I was running because it gives me this wonderful feeling of accomplishment. Because it made me feel good. Because I really like those happy endorphins.

How wonderful!

Monday rolled around and it happened again! This running for the fun of it thing was catching. And I loved it. And I pushed myself harder than if I was running for weight loss. I pushed myself because I loved the feeling of overcoming my own perceived threshold.

It doesn't get better than that.

So I invite you all to rethink why you exercise. Maybe it'll be easier with the right motivation behind it. It is certainly easier for me!

(This could also be called the post with a lot of parenthetical comments. But, then again, I make a lot of parenthetical comments in every post...)

Icky Pretzels

It's funny how a simple idea can be all consuming.... You see, I have this awesome idea in the works. It is almost finished and it has been taking up quite a bit of my time. I can't wait to share it with everyone!

But in the meantime I have let my little posts here fall by the wayside. And I have had all sorts of things to talk about! Thinks like the Humane Society and how important animal rescue and adoption is to me.

Things like the miracle that is Caramel and Chocolate.

Things like learning more about myself and pushing my own boundaries to discover what I believe about life, love and "getting by".

Things like my cat's ability to open the kitty treats (coolest thing ever... until she opened them without me noticing and ate pretty much the whole bottle and then threw up later. TMI?)

And things like partially dislocating my shoulder, jamming my foot and spraining my ankle and how frustrating the timing of that was... you know, since it is finally warm enough for me to want to exercise (something about cold weather makes me quite sluggish. I hate the cold).

But did I write about any of them? No. No I did not. So... there is a glimpse of what you would have known had I been more dedicated.

Oh well. Life goes on.

You'll live, right?

So what important topic shall I talk about it? Well I will talk about Pretzels (of course).

You see, I hate them.

Pretzels are awful. They are disgusting. Unless they are covered in caramel and chocolate (wonderful thing caramel and chocolate) I don't want to eat them. They are icky.

I can't explain it. You see, I have a bag of chex mix here at work and I am offering everyone the pretzels (and a few of the other things). And I keep getting some strange looks.... Do you ever wish you could just buy things without a certain ingredient? Like chex mix without pretzels. Or trail mix with extra M&Ms. (Extra marshmallows in your Lucky Charms anyone?!)

Maybe, someday, I will outgrow my aversion to pretzels... until then I will just make my husband eat any that come my way. He is sweet and accommodating that way.