Running Out of Excuses

A Hero's Welcome

2011-12-21T14:05:00.000-08:00

My husband is home for the Holidays!!!!!

I could not be more excited.

Just a story worth sharing: I was waiting for Stephen at the airport. And I thought I would pass out before he actually got here. I was just bouncing around, trying really hard to hold still. The airport was crowded with a bunch of people with signs for missionaries coming home. They all smiled at me indulgently, probably thinking I was waiting for a missionary.

I saw Stephen coming around the corner from his reflection in the glass and I promised myself that I would hold still.

I lied to myself.

As soon as he got out from that long hallway I found myself running towards him and throwing myself in his arms. The whole airport burst into cheers. It sounded like we had just won a big football game or something. Everyone was yelling, clapping and cheering like crazy. And it went on for a while. We made it to the back of the crowd and just held each other for a minute and then made our way to the escalator.

As we went up, people below saw us and again started cheering.

It was awesome.

And I think that for the first time ever, the outside world sounded exactly like how I was feeling.

Dear Santa

2011-12-16T15:51:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa/Stephen,

I know it is fairly impossible, but Christmas is all about endless possibilities! So, For Christmas I want one of the following:

I have been a very, very, very good girl. Really, I promise. I have brushed my teeth at least twice a day, cleaned my room, did the dishes, told the truth and been the best wife ever.

I know there is lots of room for improvement, but think of all the happiness and joy and lessons a puppy will bring! I promise I would feed it and walk it and love it every day.

Have a very, merry Christmas!

Love,
Jeannie

P.S. - Thanks for an amazing Christmas last year! The running shoes were perfect I have used them at least once a week :) And only think, if you get me a puppy I will use them even more cause puppies need lots of exercise!

Automatic Everything

2011-12-14T17:28:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I worry about the world. Mainly I worry about kids not believing in fairies,

the accepted lie that is the American Buffalo (it is not a buffalo it is a BISON)

and 80's fashions coming back.But I have recently come across a truly troubling phenomenon: the automation of everything.

From escalators and moving floors (and they wonder why obesity is on the rise!), automatic hand dryers, toilets, lights, paper towel dispensers, drinking fountains, soap dispensers, doors, bill pay and car windows the world may one day forget how to turn on a sink or open a door. But the latest in a long string of offenders: automatic toilet paper dispensers.

That's right. UNbelievable! How do they (who ever they are, which is another question we shall not go into for fear of excessive rambling and soap box standing) know how much toilet paper I need/want? Did they do a study to see how many squares the average person used? (how would they even conduct that study?!)

Honestly, it made me feel lazy. Like someone had invaded my "restroom time". Ridiculous? Perhaps. But still, I have to constantly watch and fear for the unsuspecting automatic toilet flush.And now, the automatic toilet paper?

Now, I am trying to understand that it is probably all about reducing germs and yata yata yata.But I do find it insulting, irritating and downright strange!

They either:
A) Worryabout the over use of toilet paper and want to cut costs and reduce flood possibilities (Which are still very much in place because you can get the dispenser to give you toilet paper over and over and over again).
B) Are germaphobes and shudder at the thought of the different hands touching that last square of toilet paper that they themselves might use (in which case they should probably start disinfecting their credit cards. Do you have any idea how many hands probably touch those in a week?!)
or
C) Are trying to take over the world by making people stupid and dependent on automatic everything and will one day revert it ALL back to manual and then have the world screaming in the palms of their hands for HELP!

A little far fetched? I think not!

But seriously, how did they actually know how much toilet paper I needed? It was literally the perfect amount! I think that is the most disturbing part of all....

Fingernail Polish

2011-12-10T10:34:00.000-08:00

I have an odd relationship with fingernail polish. I love it, and I hate it. I love it because the colors are so pretty! (I have an insane fingernail polish collection. I think I have almost every shade of green and blue possible.) But I hate it because it doesn't matter what kind I use, it always ends up chipping.

I hate it when my fingernail polish is chipped. It just looks so tacky.

So what's a girl to do? (Besides go and buy that awesome grey one I saw at Target the other day).

I would like to say that if I could do cute art on my fingernails, I totally would. This is, sadly, beyond me.

You know, if it didn't take me a lifetime to paint my fingernails, I would probably be a lot happier about this. But for some reason, it takes me at least half a movie to get old fingernail polish off, nails trimmed and new color applied. Why?! This is insanity!

Something else: feet are not cute. But, apply a nice color of fingernail (toenail? Does it matter?) polish and suddenly they are at least 50% cuter. Not on men though. It is never really right for a man to be wearing fingernail polish.

Any ways, that being said I haven't worn fingernail polish in almost two weeks. And it's honestly a little weird. Maybe I'll paint my fingernails tonight....

My Revolution

2011-12-09T11:03:00.001-08:00

You know, there comes a time in ones life when it just seems like you must start a revolution! I've considered starting a revolution over my Senior Thesis... I thought about a revolution to end this ridiculous obsession with Twilight. I have pondered revolting against the mass love of Eggnog. But, it finally hit me today what revolution I want to start:

I more than kind of love this! I know how hard it is to love your body because, if you think about it, if you aren't depreciating your own value some people think you are vain/proud/cocky/etc. But you know what?! Let's start this revolution. Seriously, do you have any idea what could happen if the next generation of girls grew up hearing, "You are so beautiful!" and seeing real women with real bodies showing off the fashions of today?

Now, I know that there are a TON of organizations out there trying to change the image of what is "beautiful". Really! Want to see a list?

http://realbeautyis.com/
http://www.dove.us/Social-Mission/campaign-for-real-beauty.aspx (I really love this one!)
http://www.healthyweight.net/index.htm
http://www.girlsontherun.org/theprogram.html
http://childrensbodyimagefoundation.org/
http://wingsforkids.org/experience/hot-wings?gclid=CLym0JfY9awCFcoaQgodQ0IVRg

And that is just to name a few!

Can you remember the first time you felt that maybe you didn't look right? Maybe you should change something about yourself to fit in? Do you know when that consciousness started to develop? I can remember the first time I thought that there might be something "wrong" or "different" about myself. And you know what? It was when someone told me!

I lived blissfully unaware that I wasn't "beautiful" or "skinny" until someone actually pointed out that I needed to change to be happy. Guess what? Up until that point my clothes rarely matched, and I thought it was awesome. I didn't see a difference between myself or my friends. I thought we were all beautiful in our own way. Was I taller than one girl? Maybe. Didn't matter.

How could I have maintained that wonderful confidence? It would seem impossible in today's world. And, since that day I found out that I didn't look "good enough" I have been trying to change myself. I have been telling myself LIES!

"You're not good enough."

"You are not beautiful."

"No one could love you"

"What's the point in trying? You'll always be ugly and fat."

Like I said: LIES!

And you know what is sad? I would (and still do, to be perfectly honest with you) talk badly about myself around men to get them to compliment me ( I just do it around my husband now, poor guy). I needed to hear from others that they found me attractive because I couldn't see that in myself.

Something I have learned: Men Like Confident Women.

They do. They find it irresistible and sexy. A study showed that one of the reasons men like "bad girls" is because they are confident and in full control of their body (or at least appear to be).

Now, if you ask me... that seems like a pretty good thing. I want my husband to find me irresistible. I want to be that sexy, confident woman he can't wait to talk to. You know, when you tear yourself down and you are hard on yourself, your spouse/partner becomes more insecure themselves. True story. Because you are so critical of yourself they believe you will be critical of them. Negativity feeds off of negativity.

Want a strong, healthy, loving relationship? Build your own self-esteem AND your partners. When you are fully confident in yourself, you no longer need to constantly talk about yourself to feel good. You don't need to have others talk about your awesome qualities either. So, when you feel yourself to be truly beautiful you have more time to build others, enjoy life, listen to stories and love the skin you're in.

Is there anything wrong with improving what you already have? Not at all. But make sure to awknowledge how amazing you are to begin with. Go for a healthier you. Don't focus on what your body looks like, but what your body can do. Let others know how wonderful they are, and never let anyone hear you say something negative about yourself. Accept compliments gracefully.

That is what I am going to try to do.

This is MY revolution.

Joy, Love and Running

2011-12-05T15:10:00.001-08:00

Joyous joy of jubilation!

I saw my husband! I had a wonderful, fantastic, beautiful couple of days in ugly Fort Leonard Wood. But I loved every second of it. I didn't mind the traveling or anything. I just loved seeing my husband.

I was so worried that he was going to change, and he did change. But only in good ways. I didn't think Stephen could become any better... but he did! And so, I had an amazing trip. (I won't bore you with my raptures of wedded bliss (: and you're very patient for my past happy posts).

So, this past weekend I had the opportunity to do the Santa Run in Provo! It was so much fun, but not very well planned. You see, I flew in the night before that. I was tired and grumpy without my husband. And, I had an elevation headache. I didn't sleep at all that night, worked that day from 9-2:00 (check in for the race was at 3:00). Add to that throwing up the morning of the race and eating only 1/4 of a Jamba Juice smoothie and you kind of have a recipe for disaster!

Oh, and I forgot my knee brace. Oops.

Thankfully, my awesome bestest bud/Aunt Tammy did the race with me!

We didn't exactly run the full 5K. We cut off about half a mile, but it was still a blast! (And our time was seriously damaged when 1/3 through the race I really, really had to pee so we stopped at a nice little restaurant and used the restroom. Oops).

Next time, we are going to run the whole thing! And it will be awesome.

I am still working hard on my weightloss/fitness goals. I love running and yoga, but I love yoga the best! My goal is to not gain any weight this holiday season. I managed to actually lose 1 lbs over Thanksgiving (quite a feat if you ask me!) so I know that I can succeed!

Well everyone, thanks for all of your love and support through it all. Now I just have to wait another two weeks and I get to see my husband again! Sadly, we still have another 4 1/2 months apart. But, we are blessed enough to be able to talk to each other every day. I think that is a miracle and a bigger blessing than most people will ever understand.

Stay awesome!

Can You Believe It?!

2011-11-28T11:40:00.001-08:00

Woooooowww.

Wow! Holy top ramen! Unbelievable!

I see my husband this week!

I'm only so excited I can't sleep at night... No big deal. But really, I am so, so, so, so, so excited. I can't believe that it is finally here! Everyone kept telling me that time would fly by and it would be here before I knew it.

EVERYONE LIED!

Time did not fly. It crawled. You know, it didn't even crawl by. I've seen some pretty fast babies crawl. So it has oozed by. (Gross)

Regardless of how long it took, it is finally here!

Wow.

You know, I would have to say these past 2 1/2 months have been the hardest months I have ever lived. I have cried more, fallen apart more and just didn't want to face each day... But I have also learned so much about myself.

Did you know that in the past 10 weeks I have worked out mroe consistently than ever before? I've lost 4 inches off my hips (YAY ME!) and a total of 11 inches. I have found out I am stronger than I thought. I have laughed when I felt like crying. I have cried when I should have been laughing... I have learned to ask for help.

"Just because you accept help from someone, doesn't mean you have failed. It just means you're not in it alone."

I've learned some pretty interesting things about myself. Did you know that I am actually pretty awesome? I know... sounds a little self-conceited. But really. I am a pretty good person. And I am learning to love that girl in the mirror a little more every day.

Looking back on everything, I realize that I haven't been as strong as I could have. I know that I whined a lot. I took out my frustrations on close friends and family. I hid from some of the most important people in my life. I cried and cried and cried when I could have stepped back to see that things weren't really so bad.

But all of that doesn't matter. Sure, I stumbled, I fell, I cried. But then I got up and moved on. As I said to a friend after a particularly pathetic breakdown, "I've cried. I've prayed. Now I conquer."

If anything, I have learned that I married the right man. I love my husband so much that I can hardly stand it. I love who he was, who he is and who he will become. Stephen is my personal miracle. He has shown me every day that there is no other man in the world for me. He is my one and only. I am so excited to finally be in his arms again. But I am nervous too.

Stephen is the best thing that ever happened to me. He is my home.I know he isn't perfect, but he is perfect for me. When you finallyfind out what home really feels like... the thought of being homelessis truly terrifying. Nothing is more beautiful than being in the arms of someone whohas seen the worst in you and still loves you for it. Someone who youknow will never walk away from you even though they deserve so muchmore... so you're always afraid that the most amazing aspect of yourlife might one day wake up and realize that they deserve the sun andthey are settling for a star.

Yes, I am a little nervous to see him again because I have this incredibly irrational fear that he may realize that he deserves so much more than I can offer. But the great thing about this is... I know he loves me. And I know that sometimes I'm just an irrational idiot with low self-esteem.

GAH! I leave tomorrow to finally be with the man of my dreams again. I AM SO EXCITED!!!!

She Displaced Santa in My Top 5 Favorite People!

2011-11-10T10:20:00.001-08:00

I am currently in the process of procrastinating writing my senior thesis. So far I have gone visiting teaching, made a toaster strudel, and played on facebook. Now I am considering changing the water for my roses (they are looking all wilted and sad). The truth is... I just don't want to do it. And, I feel overwhelmed. So I do that terrible, awful thing that I do when I am overwhelmed: nothing.

You heard me. Nothing.

Yup.

However, I am going to write this beast of a paper, and I am going to write it well! Especially since I have fun plans tonight. Bother. I don't want to be responsible any more. You know what? I am going to refuse to be responsible on my birthday. Perfect!

Ha. Take that world :)

Ok, so something that is actually semi-useful. Last night my dearest Peggie and I discovered the most amazing, stupendous, life-altering, mind-blowing yoga DVD in the universe. I am not kidding here people. AH-maZING!

The lady who instructs the DVD is named Ashley Turner. She is now ranking in my top 5 favorite people. (She displaced Santa, just in case you were wondering. She is that incredible.) I have done many varieties of yoga. I have done yoga with Suzanne Deason, Rodney Yee and others. As well as taking live classes. No one has even come close to Ashley Turner.

You don't just get a workout, you get an uplifting 50 minutes of recognizing how wonderful you are, eliminating harmful habits and envisioning your goals for both weight loss and life.

EVERYONE needs to at least LISTEN to this DVD at least once in their lives. I am not kidding. Don't be offended if you end up getting one as a Christmas gift.

Well... ok. I'll stop procrastinating and get to work now. * Sigh *

My Day of Miracles

2011-11-07T11:23:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my One Year Anniversary. And it was a day full of miracles. Even though my husband could not be here to celebrate with me I felt his presence in every moment. The Lord watched out for us both. The only way it could have been better would be if we could have been together.

It started out with a simple phone call. A phone call that I had prayed for all week long. But this phone call was a true miracle. You see, his whole Company had lost phone privileges. (I'm not sure as to why... but when I find out who messed this up.... well let's just say I will make their Drill Sergeant's look like fluffy teddy bears). Yup. I am not supposed to expect a phone call for the rest of his training. And yet, here was my phone ringing! I looked at the number and saw that it was a Missouri number. I immediately jumped to the awful conclusion that something was horribly wrong and they were calling me to say Stephen had been hurt. But no. I answered the phone and heard the most wonderful voice in the whole wide world: My husband!!!

You see, when he found out he had lost phone privileges he prayed and prayed that a way would be provided for him to call me. We both live for those phone calls, but it was especially important since it was our anniversary. So, when he walked into Church, the bishop just looked at him and said, "You need to use my phone, don't you?" And that wonderful man let Stephen use his phone to call and wish me a Happy Anniversary. I had five minutes of heaven. Nothing really beats hearing your husband's voice. It was so beautiful and wonderful! What a blessing.

Our Life Is Always and Adventure!

Well, we get off the phone and I get ready for church. After Sunday school a lady introduced me to her daughter-in-law and son. The son had just returned from a deployment a few months ago. I talked with his wife for a while and we both talked about how hard it is to have our husbands gone, when he walked over and started chatting with me.

When he found out Stephen was gone, he put his hand on my shoulder and said, "How are you really doing? I know you Army Wives put on brave faces, but I want to know what is really going on. Are you ok?" I, of course, promptly started to tear up and cry. I choked out it was my anniversary. He just looked at me for a second. And then he gave me this big hug.

"I know your soldier can't be here, so here is a hug from another soldier who understands."

I. Lost. It. Totally just started crying. Someone knew and understood how heartbreaking it was to be away from the most important person in my life. Someone could see and understand my pain. And one soldier stepped in to help another soldier who was far away from home and ensure that his wife would be ok. I will forever be grateful for the man and woman who stepped in to let me know that I was not alone. I hope that someday, I can do the same thing for another woman in need.

Later that night I had dinner with my In-Laws. When I arrived there was beautiful bouquet of red roses waiting for me. I have never seen prettier flowers any where! With them was a note that said, "I will love you until the last rose dies." There was a silk rose among the live ones. Yes. I am married to the best man in the whole universe. Just sayin'.

But! That isn't even the end of it. So, we are all eating dinner when I get a text from a number I don't recognize. It says, "Happy Anniversary from your husband." Stephen had tracked down someone in another company with phone access, gave them my phone number and that sweet soldier had taken the time out of his limited phone time to text me. This soldier made sure I knew that Stephen wouldn't be able to call me. He said that Stephen really wanted to make sure I had a good day.

My husband had used every resource available to him to make sure I had a good day even though he couldn't be there. I can not believe to what lengths he went to ensure I knew how loved I was. He did everything he could. When faced with this incredible man and all of his love, I don't know what to do. I know that I will work forever to try and be the woman he deserves and will probably always come up short.

Marrying Stephen was the greatest thing I could ever do. He is everything I could ask for and more. Nothing will ever compare to the love he gives me. I love this man more than I can say. I am so grateful for the beautiful gifts from above that ensured that while we may be apart, nothing will ever take away the love we have. Time and distance will only make us stronger.

So, Happy Anniversary to the most amazing man I've ever known. I love you!

I Can't Think of A Cool Title... Bother...

2011-11-02T11:34:00.000-07:00

So, it's been a while.

Sorry.

Let's just say I have been on survival mode for the past month or so. Stephen has been gone for 6 weeks. I only have 28 more days until I can see him!!!!! Excited much? I can't wait to see my incredible husband again.

You know what, this month has been tough. Really, super, horribly tough. And I have learned so much about myself. I have learned how to push through sleepless nights and have productive days. I have learned that love knows no boundaries and can stretch over miles and miles. And, I have learned that I can, in fact, be consistent.

You see, I have this awesome workout partner. She comes over EVERY night and we do P90X! Together, we are conquering the world and rediscovering that super hot chick with the six-pack. Last week, we didn't miss a day. Not one day. As a result, we got to go and see the new Three Musketeers (which was pretty awesome. I enjoyed it thoroughly). So.. yay! Yay for working out and feeling good about myself!

You know something? When you are getting ready to get married, everyone is always telling you how hard marriage is, but how wroth it everything is in the end. I can't tell you how many people would say, "Oh, marriage is a lot of work. But if you pull through it is all worth it."

I have something to say to those people: You. Lied!

Ok, maybe not "lied".... but, seriously, marriage is easy when it's how most people do it. You know, the whole, living in the same place according to both your rules. Try making a marriage work when one of you is being ruled by the army, miles and miles and miles away, with only letters for communication and a phone call that (depending how it goes) can make or break your whole week!!!!

Yeah. That my friends is hard. But, it is also worth it. Sometimes I wonder what in the name of puce colored butterflies we were thinking when Stephen joined the army. I mean, seriously, WHY?!?!?!?!?! But then, I think about my incredible husband. I think about his talents and abilities. I think about how, when it comes down to it, he was really made for this. I swear, he was born to be a soldier. And I couldn't be more proud of my brave, strong husband.

For every day I have had a hard time, he has had a letter of encouragement. For every time I have cried in my car at school, he has sent me 10 "I love yous". For every night of sitting in my car not wanting to face the empty house, he has given me courage because I know that he believes in me. For every sleepless night, he has given me a reason to face the day as proudly as I could. I am married to an amazing man. He is every inch the hero all those Army commercials try to portray. He is my reason for smiling, laughing, crying and loving. He has been stronger than I ever could be. I am so grateful for him!!!

Alright, in other news... Like I said, P90X is going GREAT, due to the incredible, the beautiful, the amazing Peggie! And, because I really, really, really want to be running more... I totally just signed up for the Santa Run in Provo for December 3, 2011. Everyone has to run that race dressed like Santa Claus. How awesome is that?!

So, I have 28 days to get ready to see my incredible husband. One month to get ready for my 5K. I'm happy about this. It'll keep me busy. Not to mention, my very first Anniversary is this Sunday. My birthday is in 20 days and then Thanksgiving. November is shaping up to be a pretty awesome month.

Thanks for all the love and support every one! I couldn't do it without you.

What?!

2011-10-09T15:59:00.000-07:00

Ok. You know when you are going along, minding your own business, knowing you have a few things to work on when BAM! Out of nowhere you see pictures of yourself and you go, "What?! I really look like that?!" That has happened to me twice this weekend. It has made me want to cry. (DISCLAIMER!!!! I am NOT trying to get sympathy, compliments, words of condolence or anything of that nature. I am venting here!)

No seriously, I thought I was starting to look pretty ok. And then I see those pictures. Seriously? How long as it been that way? I know that I am by no means super overweight. I just have some "Juicy bits". Juicy bits I DO NOT LIKE!!!

And, you'd think that I would get all motivated to work out more and eat healthy. Which I kind of do, but the reality of it is I get so freaking depressed that I either don't eat at all or I "depress eat". And then I go around beating myself up about it. I know, I know. Slow and steady wins the race and all that crap. But guess what? I WANT RESULTS NOW!!!!

Stupid. I know.

I get it. I am beautiful. I am talented. My husband thinks I'm hott (and so do some disrespectful Hispanic kids at Wal-Mart). But guess what world, I am one frustrated woman. Did you hear me?!

F-R-U-S-T-R-A-T-E-D!

I have been trying to run consistently, but now I see that it is going to take more than that. I have P90X, but I know the resulting soreness that fallows and haven't wanted to push myself. Well, enough is enough. I am NEVER having another picture taken again where I look remotely like that. No joke people. I've had it!

So, to follow the rules, I know that I am a very talented, kind, mostly sweet person :) I know that I am beautiful and that I can do anything I put my mind too (RIGHT?!) I know that my sweet husband thinks I am the most beautiful woman in the world. And, I know that I am so lucky to have the many blessings that I do have.

Like My Dear Cat Lulu

Let's be honest here: My house is a mess. I have not studied for a big mid-term. I am uber depressed about my husband being gone. I feel kind of like a loser. And, to top it off, I am a little more "juicy" than I would like and it is frustrating the living daylights out of me.

But you know what? I am gloriously human. My house will be clean in 15 minutes or so. I am going to study up a storm and be ready to go bright and early tomorrow morning. I have the best husband in the whole wide world. I have amazing friends and family. I seriously have the best support team on the planet. I have all the tools to look and be exactly what I want to be. I've got this! I can do this! I rock at life! Go me!

Oh yeah.... and I kind of burnt my lunch to an unrecognizable crisp and my house smells all burnt-y. But, hey, that's nothing new.

Guess what folks: I am human. And so are you. Let's all be honest about it, m'kay?

Kind of Random, but It Has a Lot of Heart

2011-10-02T17:46:00.000-07:00

Am I the only one who likes to write papers in a smaller font, single spaced and then at the exact moment of feeling like this paper is never, ever, ever going to be finished, up the font size, double space the thing and voila! You've actually gone over in length! Ok... maybe I am the only one who does that. For some reason, it makes me feel better.

I am officially on Week Three of Stephen being gone. And, to be honest, it isn't any better than Week One. I still miss him just as much, and it doesn't get any easier. Weird, right? But, I have learned some interesting things about myself. Example: I can pretty much eat the same thing every day for two weeks and not really care. If I am not cooking for someone else, zero effort goes into the thing.

This is NOT me!

But, it's not all gloom and doom. I have nearly doubled the amount of miles I run a day. I have found a passion for serving others and putting together events (I really should be an event planner... and possibly a cosmetologist. And maybe a stunt driver. I have always wanted to be an awesome stunt driver. But I digress). I have this incredible support system that makes every day a little bit better. I have never been this excited to check my mail. And I have a new habit of writing down things I am grateful for whenever I start feeling gloomy or stressed or mad.

I was flipping through some of my notes from several classes and I have all these random lists of "gratitude's". And... let's be honest, some days it is just so hard and awful feeling that the things I am grateful for are fingernail polish, scoop-able kitty-litter and a new toothbrush. But it never fails to make me feel better about life. Try it guys. It really does help.

Ok, so here is something I have got to know. To all you amazing women who see sticks, ribbon, fabric and an old pot and think, "Oh my goodness! That would make the cutest XYZ!" HOW DO YOU DO IT! I am looking around at the grocery store, stuck in a ridiculously long check-out line, and I pick up a magazine with fun halloween stuff on it. I am thinking to myself, "Oh good, maybe I can come up with a costume!" Nope. Instead, it made me feel guilty for making my chocolate-chip cookies from a Betty Crocker mix instead of making these "easy" owl cupcakes, complete with adorable big eyes and homemade chocolatey goodness.

What is it about making cute stuff? How do you women do it?! I literally have a hard time making a birthday card. I usually end up using one of my many 3X5 notecards laying around for research purposes and just write a heartfelt happy birthday.... My kids are doomed. But! There is hope.

Though I may never be like my many friends and relatives who's homes are filled with cute, homemade knick-knacks and gourmet meals, I may someday have the good luck to find that I have become like Erma Bombeck and have given hope to all the women in the world who, honestly, just can't craft. Erma is my hero. I love her honesty. Her ability to admit that her kids drove her crazy. Her candid columns on the ups and downs of marriage, and her heartwarming messages of embracing who we are - extra pounds, dirty houses, bad days and all. She was the first person I ever knew to admit that she was not ok, life sucked and hey look I just found a penny so it can't really be that bad! Her optimism and openness inspire me.

So, guess what guys? This next week, when someone asks how we are doing and we aren't having a good day, look them in the eyes and say, "Today is about as good as that time I ran over my own foot with my car. But, its ok. It's just one day and I am strong enough to get through it. Thank you so much for taking the time to ask me." And if they are just being superficial and waiting for you to say, "Just fine, thank you." Then... why are you wasting your time on that person any ways?

Here's to being real! To accepting our lumps, bumps, scrapes and moments of complete forgetfulness!

So, I'll start: My husband has been gone for two weeks and I tear up about once a day. And you know what? I feel grateful that I have been given the amazing gift of loving a man so much that being without him hurts every moment of every day. Who could ask for more than that?

The Rules

2011-09-24T22:16:00.000-07:00

I've realized one of the greatest outlets I have is writing. And, let's be honest, this week has been one of the longest, hardest weeks of my life. Between crying at home, in my drive-way, the school parking lot and the ladies room (at school) I think I have cried more over my husband being away than I have over any break-up EVER!

However, I've realized something about this.... I have been blessed to love a man so much that going one week without him is the hardest thing I could do. I have the great honor to be the wife to a man brave enough to go after his dreams, to do the hard things and do them all with a smile. I can't believe how lucky I am to serve my country and have the love of an incredible man. Nothing compares to that. I truly am a very blessed girl.

I have to say though... being so blessed can be a burden. Thankfully, it's a burden well worth bearing.

So, as I have sat at home, attempting to do my incredibly boring homework (I don't mind reading/writing/analyzing interesting homework! BUT boring homework? Ugh.) I have come to realize that though this royally bites I have been given a gift! Think about it this way: I have the opportunity to really work on the things I need to be the best me so that when my sweet husband sees me again I am better and braver than ever before! I can really focus on working out, excelling at school and working through my personal issues without having to involve anyone else. I have been given some growing space and dagnabit! I am going to use it! (Granted... I would rather have my husband here and just grow with him. But it is a pretty cool concept.)

So, Here are the ground rules:

For every complaint there must be a "grateful". So, if I moan and gripe and complain (which really is needed for anyone. We all need to vent) I must follow that time with the same amount of gratitude. (This also goes for any negative comments about myself and others)
GO TO BED AT A DECENT HOUR!!!!!! - This helps sanity. Going to bed early makes everything else bearable. Try it. Getting enough sleep suddenly gives the world this wonderful rosy-tint.
Eat - regularly, healthy food. This also makes the world much more bearable.
EXERCISE - "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't kill their husbands." While my husband isn't around to kill, the concept is still the same. Exercise just makes me happy. Not to mention I really want this hot bod for when my hubby sees me again. (And long, beautiful hair.... I am seriously thinking extensions. Anyone have any experience in that field that could give me some pointers?)
Service. It is really hard to be all lonely/sad/grumpy when serving others. It doesn't matter who it is or how small the deed, I am going to try to serve someone every single day.
Love me. Everything listed above is really all about loving and taking care of myself. After all, I am soooooooooo worth it!
Have faith. Lots and lots and lots of faith. Cause, in the end, "The future is as bright as my faith." And I want a future that just really shines.

There you go. The rules!

So now, when I am really missing Stephen, having to see a whole bunch of couples enjoying each other's company, or just feeling sorry for myself I know exactly what I need to do.

Now - I need to go read a 30 page article on barbed-wire and it's impact on Western Economics. (Jealous? I knew you would be. Don't worry, I can always forward it to you so you don't feel left out)

P.S. Yes, I re-did my blog again! Why? Just cause.... it wasn't really ME! So.... I hope you like it!

I did not die!

2011-09-21T11:23:00.000-07:00

Hello All,
Just in case you were wondering, I didn't die. Nope. I am still here. I just had a couple of speed bumps thrown in my way and haven't had the time nor the brain power nor the desire to really write.

So, a brief update! My dear husband and I went to Florida on vacation! Yay for DisneyWorld and the Beach! We had a ton of fun and really enjoyed spending time with one another.

As soon as we got back from Florida I had to jump straight into school and job hunting and getting ready for Stephen to ship out for training. Life was busy. Life was hectic. Life was beautiful.

And then, this past Sunday, I had to drive up to Salt Lake City and drop my husband off at a hotel. I had to say goodbye to the most important person in my life. I get to talk to him through letters. Yippee. (I am about as enthusiastic about this as I am about getting a root canal). I know, I know... it's only for 2 1/2 months. But guess what? It still sucks!

So what have I been doing to cope? I'll be honest... it has not been easy. Some mornings I have to literally break down my day into teeny, tiny babysteps. Each little step accomplished is a victory I can celebrate! (I got out of bed, 2 points for Jeannie! Ohhh, I made the bed. I am kind of awesome. Look at me getting all dressed with hair and make-up done. Gold star!) Yes. This is what my life has been reduced it. And no, I am not exactly thrilled that my accomplishments are minuscule and things that most people do without thinking.

This is how I cope. And I know it will get easier. (It has to get easier. If it doesn't get easier... I demand a refund!) And, honestly, I see no shame in it. I talk to so many people and they are all unwilling to admit that they are struggling. Now, I know about putting on a brave face. I know about saying, "Oh I'm fine!" When, in reality, I just want to scream and shout and cry and hide in my closet with my cat and my 11 Seasons of Friends until the world comes back together again in an orderly fashion.

However, I would like to think that I have the strength to say that I am vulnerable. I have the courage to admit that it is not easy. That actually facing my empty bed at night and crawling into it with nothing but a pile of pillows takes a herculean effort. Guess what people? Life is hard. And you know what? The beauty of it is that I know I will make it through. I know I have the strength to just make it through each day, one day at a time. I have the presence of mind to celebrate the beauty of my small accomplishments. And I have the love of an incredible man that will not diminish over space and time. And for him, I will have the courage to face my empty bed each night, walk into my apartment with only a cat for company and face family and friend get-togethers with no one by my side. Yup. I can do this. It just isn't easy.

But who ever said it would be easy? The harder I work the more rewarding the end will be. So, today when I finish school, when I am done begging for jobs from anyone who will hire me, I will go home. Eat dinner with my cat (I will not be eating my cat for dinner, just to clarify) and turn on Food Network so I can hear voices while I tackle a pile of homework. We can do anything people. I promise.

Be Kind To Myself

2011-08-16T16:59:00.000-07:00

I am a FLYbaby. (If you don’t know what that means, check out flylady.net and prepare to have your mind opened to new possibilities of awesomeness) What has this taught me? (Other than how to organize and keep my house company ready.) It has taught me that it’s very important to be kind to myself.

What does this mean?

This means, why in the world do I criticize myself so harshly when I would never say any of those things to a friend. I would never tell a friend that they shouldn’t try because they will just fail. I would do my best to make sure I was taking care of that friend so well that they were healthy in body, mind and spirit. So why am I so horrible to myself?

Why are we all so horrible to ourselves?

I have had to ask myself that question a lot lately. You see, despite my efforts I am nowhere near where I wanted to be, fit-wise, for our vacation next week. I was starting to get thoroughly discouraged, berating myself for my own laziness and lack of discipline. I have not been kind to me. So why have I even been trying?

A little slip up on the whole “healthy eating campaign” would bring words of such great disapproval that it was a wonder there was any of me left. Would I have ever told a friend, who upon telling me she had eaten ¼ of a bag of Dorritos, that there was absolutely no way she would ever be skinny and in shape? EVER. Because of that one slip up, because she was not perfectly attending to her healthy eating plan she would never, ever, on any planet get in shape and look toned and skinny.

The answer? No. I would never say anything like that. I would give words of encouragement. “One slip-up can’t ruin everything. Ten-slip ups won’t. Because you won’t give up! You’ll just keep on trying and do better and better. Don’t beat yourself up. You can make it. I promise.”

I was not so nice to myself.

I have berated, criticized, beaten down and demoralized myself for every little mistake. I look at where I want to be, see where I am and instead of saying, “Oh yeah! We are a little closer. We can get there. No worries, we’ve got this!” I end up hearing myself say, “I can’t believe I look like this. What is wrong with me? I can’t seem to do anything right. I look horrible. Why does my husband even like me?”

How horrible. If someone else had been saying that to me every day I would have accused them of some serious verbal abuse. But, it’s just me abusing me. Which is worse than anyone else saying anything.

Truth is, I have hated the way I look since I was about thirteen. Thirteen! That is eight years of self-loathing! Eight years of hating my reflection. Eight years of suffering under the weight of self-doubt. I have been crushed by own opinion of myself for so long that now that I see the damage I have to wonder… how do I fix it?

First thing first! BE KIND TO MYSELF! Why is that so hard? To cut myself some slack? To say, “Hey, yeah, that wasn’t the best thing to do but that doesn’t ruin everything. It doesn’t have to be perfect to work. It just needs to be relatively consistent to work.”

Why do we expect perfection? Why can’t I see myself and think that I am beautiful? What is so hard about loving me the way I am? (Imperfections and all). It’s no wonder I haven’t seen the positive changes in myself that I wanted. It’s no wonder that I haven’t gotten the body of my dreams when I have given myself what I need to succeed.

In fact, this goes for all things. From writing, to cooking, to running to starting clubs! I haven’t given myself the support I need.

So, even though I know it isn’t going to be an easy change. Or a fast change. I know that I am going to start being nice to me. I will be my biggest and best support team! I will say only nice things to myself. I will treat myself like I would treat my best friend. Maybe even better. From the quality one-on-one time, to the encouraging words and loving acceptance I try to give all my best friends, I will try to give that to myself.

I will go to bed early because I deserve to feel refreshed and energized. I will eat good food because my body deserves to run on the best fuel possible. I will exercise because it makes me feel good, physically and emotionally. I will work on my book, cooking, yoga, rock climbing and whatever else I want too because I love to develop my talents. That, my friends, is being kind to myself.

So, have you been beating yourself up? Have you been your own worst enemy? Have you given yourself the love and credit you need to be the best you? Start being kind to yourself! Maybe, if we all band together, we can teach the young women that are following behind us to stand up to themselves, for themselves. To not give in to the belief that they are not good enough. To not drown in their own perfectionism. But to thrive in the love that comes from accepting who you are, where you are and what you want to become.

No excuses people. I want to hear from you! Tell me, tell everyone that you are going to be nice to yourself and that everyone else needs to be nice to themselves too! Stand up for yourself. Stop bullying yourself and live your life with no regrets.

That is what I am going to try to do. Join in the love folks!

New Favorite Quote “The Difference in Who You Are and Who You Want to Be, is What You DO”

"Crazy" You Say? Why Yes, Have You Been Looking For Me?

2011-08-04T16:22:00.000-07:00

We have moved. And we are almost unpacked. Moving, though, is not good for one’s constitution. However, I believe that Stephen and I have pulled it off nicely and that we are going to love our new home.

Upon moving into the house, one of the first things I did was a load of laundry. Just out of sheer joy I had to use my very own washer and dryer! Seriously, anyone who knows what it’s like to not have a washer and dryer understands the beauty that moment.

Of course, being me and having been born under a star with a skewed sense of humor, some things went wrong. No, we didn’t lose Lulu (hm… now that I think of it, I haven’t really properly introduced that incorrigible kitty to my little online community) and we didn’t break anything of importance. But, we did kinda kill a car…

Here is what happened, Stephen and I were borrowing my dad’s small SUV to haul the trailer since neither of our cars have that ability. It had just had a new transmission put into it, and we were sure that it was going to work great (or so my dad said. And I generally trust him implicitly when it comes to cars). Well, we finally get over to my Aunt’s house to borrow their trailer (Thanks Christine and Kevin!) and they are gracious enough to help us get it all set up.

Now, it was late on a Friday night. We were definitely interrupting them, and causing everyone to be eaten alive by mosquitoes. So, they really were very, very kind. Well, we get everything hooked up, and we start to head off. I get the impression that we probably shouldn’t be on the freeway, so I suggested we take State street instead. Stephen agreed, and everything went swimmingly until we started to climb up a small hill.

The incline was gradual, but half way up everything was shaking quite alarmingly, and we had nowhere to go but the middle of the road. (You know, that lovely place between oncoming traffic reserved for left turns?) Yup. That is where we were. We put the car in park, and Stephen went to inspect. He came back and said everything looked fine.

We attempted to get out of the road only to find that we could not get the car out of park. No matter what we did, it was stuck. We called my Uncle, and he came right away to help us out. We called a tow truck because we knew we couldn’t tow it behind us when it was so very much stuck in park.

My Uncle arrived. He has some excellent knowledge of vehicles, and attempted to get it out of park. No such luck. So he got to work, hauling the trailer backwards far enough that we could connect the trailer the right way. And then getting the trailer out of the way and into a nearby parking lot.

Stephen and I waited. Waking up my poor parents (since it was their car) at around 1:00 am to ask them what they wanted us to do with the unfortunate piece of metal on four obstinately parked wheels. More waiting.

The tow-truck arrived.

Voila! The man was a mechanic. He looked at the car for about, oh, 5 minutes. Switched around some fuses and suddenly, the car was working perfectly fine. All of that trouble simply because we blew three fuses. I was annoyed. But grateful it wasn’t anything worse than that.

We finally got the trailer home (after switching my uncle cars and taking his much more reliable vehicle to haul all of our stuff to the new apartment) and it was 1:30. My brother-in-laws were coming over at 8:00 am to help us move. I wasn’t done packing. Stephen and I stayed up until 3:30 packing. He went in and fell asleep, I was awake until after 4:00.

Of course, I was up at 7:30 the next morning and started getting ready for the grand relocation. The move went smoothly thanks to my estimable and industrious husband and brother-in-laws. And, all we have left is unpacking and decorating.

I am loving our new location, having a washer and dryer and dishwasher. I am rather in love with my spacious bathroom and much cubby-holed closet. All in all, I love it!

The next few weeks are going to be crazy though. Between my brother leaving on a mission, my brother-in-law getting married, my job ending, going on a week-long vacation, starting school, finding a new job and sending my sweet husband off to training with the military for six months…. I feel like I don’t have time to breathe.

Oh and exercise? I’ve been moving! That counts, right?

Crafting and Packing and Moving, Oh My!

2011-07-27T15:43:00.000-07:00

I have had the strangest urge to take up knitting or crocheting. Anyone who knows me can tell you that this is decidedly not something I often consider. Ever. I am not a "crafts person". In fact, though blessed with talented Grandmas, Aunts and Mom, Mother-In-Law, Sisters-In-Laws and Friends, I have always looked on their ability to sew, scrapbook, paint and create charming knick-knacks as awesome for them and impossible for me.

I can't explain my aversion to crafty things... In fact, I have only recently developed a liking for cooking because I can be creative. I know you can be creative in crafts as well, but I just can't seem to wrap my brain around it. Nor do I really want too. Sure, It makes the house look nice and the women who can do these things are always whispered as being "accomplished", but I do not hold those cursed accomplishments. And, when it comes down to it, I'm not too disappointed by that fact.

I might end up trying knitting though. Just for something for my hands to do while I watch a movie or something. Or, I just might not. Both would be lovely.

Any whoo, sorry about that rather pointless rant. An update in the life of Jeannie (for those who care to know, and for those who don't... why are you reading this again? :D ) I am in the process of packing up my house. I have packed all of my belongings many, many, many times before. I have moved so many times that I have lost quite a few of my precious things. On the other hand, I only own a few things I really care about now. Everything else I just get rid of, cause who wants to pack that crap around?

I don't much like packing. UNpacking though. That is fun. It's like rediscovering the house and things you own. You get to find fun little places to put things. Watch your life put up on the walls and shelves, and enjoy your personality taking over a space previously occupied by someone else.

Packing though.... I wish I had a Fairy Godmother to help me magic all the packing away. It would make my life easier. I'll get through it though. It seems to have taken over my life just a little. Exercising? Sorry, I'm packing. Eating healthy? Don't exactly have the time, I'm packing. Friends? "Oh! You'd like to come over? Wonderful! I need help packing."

Thank heavens it will all be over by Saturday night. I can't wait to be done and settle into my new home, with my dishwasher, washer and dryer and big bathroom.

So forgive me if I'm more scatterbrained than usual today. My house is in a jumble which seems to make my frame of mind a bit crooked.

Fate Had Other Plans

2011-07-19T10:07:00.000-07:00

I felt incredibly virtuous this morning. My alarm went off to get up to go running. I hit snooze, and then gave myself a nice little pep talk about needing to get up and how happy I will be when I am done. So, I got out of bed. I stumbled around trying to find my running stuff, and was promptly stumped. I found the spandex shorts, put those on, and then searched and searched and searched. I could not find my sports bra anywhere. Seriously, it disappeared completely.

So, I make my way over to the closet. The burst of freezing cold air from our window AC unit made me decide it would be better to crawl to the closet. In front of my closet was what looked like a box. I didn't have my glasses on so I couldn't be sure. (Some background information: My husband will often leave gifts in front of my closet door for birthdays, valentines day and sometimes just because he loves me). Well I moved the box out of the way without looking at it as I was.... well, to be honestly I didn't have much clothing on and the AC was killing me.

So I decided to retreat back to the dresser to find a shirt before continuing the search. It seems that though I was determined to go running, Fate had other ideas. As I was trying to find a shirt to throw on, amid much shivering, Stephen sat up in bed and said, "Do you have any idea what that thing you just moved in front of the closet was?"

I looked up a little guiltily. Stephen is a fantastic giver of gifts, but he does expect his gifts to be met with a certain amount of enthusiasm.

I looked up a little guiltily. Stephen is a fantastic giver of gifts, but he does expect his gifts to be met with a certain amount of enthusiasm.

This isn’t really hard because I am usually incredibly enthusiastic about his gifts. But I knew I had made a serious blunder from the look on his face.

“Um… kinda. Sorry, I don’t have my glasses on, or a shirt on! I’m cold and I was going to get my glasses to see what it is.” I felt like I had just told a little kid that Santa wasn’t real.

I bounded over to the box, picked it up and jumped onto the bed. It was a Kindle! * gasp * I immediately went to work trying to get it open. I just wanted to touch it. I look over at my husband.

“I thought you would have come and jumped on me as soon as you saw it or something.” Oops. I wasn’t being as grateful as I should be. I then told him how awesome it was. I enthused and told him how incredibly excited I was. Because, I was sooooooo excited! SO EXCITED!

As a lover of books, as a student as someone who just wants to have a houseful of books, a Kindle is a way to keep from having to move 2 tons of books every time we have to relocate.

It is the perfect gift for me.

We both go the box opened and started exploring it. Giddy with how it really does look just like ink on a real page. We got it charging, looked online at some of the books I wanted, and I continued to try and thank my amazing husband for this awesome gift.

When we settled down, I looked around again (this time with my glasses on and therefore a higher chance of success) and still no sports bra. So, as a thank you to my wonderful husband we got to do what we never get to do in the morning: Cuddle. (and you thought it was going to be something dirty! Shame on you.)

I am so very blessed to have an amazing husband who could have taken the money that he spent getting me a Kindle getting himself a nice gun (something he has wanted for ages). And, you know what the amazing part of this is? I did not deserve anything.

Lately, I have not exactly been the most pleasant person. The past two days I have been irritable, grumpy, tired and quite rude. But, my dear husband has taken it like a champ. Even last night when I rip into him for no good reason, he listened. He told me he was so sorry I felt that way. He talked me down from my temper, and up from the depths of despair.

Last night, he went grocery shopping because I was much, much, much too tired to go. Not only did he go grocery shopping, but he came home with one of the best gifts ever! I told you I am spoiled. He gives me gifts when I least deserve them.

So, thank you Stephen. Thank all the powers that be that you found me, chose me and actually want to stick with me (crazy though I may be). I am so happy that he is mine for always and forever!

And thank you everyone else for putting up with this rather mushy ending. All I can say is… I am a very lucky girl.

Lamest Excuses of All Times

2011-07-15T15:10:00.000-07:00

With the help of friends, I have been compiling a list of the lamest excuses of all times. We started out with lame excuses to get out of going on dates, and it has kind of snow-balled from there. Here are some of the "best" lamest excuses we came up with:

"My goldfish has a cold, I don't want to leave him just in case this is the end."

"I was thinking about washing my hair that day, sorry"

"The ink in my printer is out. I have to change it cause I am thinking about printing something on Saturday."

"That is my designated "Sit in Silence" Day."

"I'm color blind."

" Sorry, Wednesday won't work.. I've got to go to Mexico.. it's my turn to be a drug mule.. but if I make it back alive.. Saturday would be awesome."

"I have a whole package of pencils that need sharpening."

"I'm people watching that night."

"My fortune cookie said that's it's an unlucky time for me."

"I'm considering becoming a trapeze artist. I had scheduled in my decision making time for that night."

And my personal favorite, "I have to mate socks for the homeless."

Now, I'm not saying that I have ever used one of these excuses (maybe one... once or twice) I just think they are pretty funny. I mean, come on! Haven't you ever had someone ask you out, or want to hang out and you just really, Really REALLY didn't want too. But you were pretty sure, "I don't want to hang out with out at all. Ever." is a little too honest?

I know I have. I also know that I have a tendency to not want to hurt some people's feelings. (Some. Not all. There are some people I wouldn't mind hitting with a 2X4 of hard, cold truth) I think, that when it comes to really turning someone down because you just really don't want to be with them as a friend or potential date, that they deserve a half truth.

Miss Manners of MSN.com, says that you don't have to offer an excuse. A simple, "I'm sorry, I won't be able to" should suffice. If they push for more, you should be able to politely tell them that you really won't be able to, and you appreciate the offer.

One problem, this does not deal with the horrible fact that they will probably ask you when you are free. Miss Manners gives us yet another thing to say, "You know, my schedule is really packed right now. Why don't I contact you when my schedule clears up."

Problem! I know many a persistent guy who won't realize that you are rejecting his offer of courtship. I know many a girl who won't realize you are trying to avoid her. So, what do we do? (This is when I am sincerely glad that I am married and can just tell my husband, "Babe, I just need some alone time right now, kapish? We'll cuddle later. I love you." )

So how do you deal with this problem? In my single days, I had a rule. I would go on a date with a guy once (if he didn't pose a threat to my safety in any way). After that, if he asked me out again and I really didn't want to go out with him I could just say, "You know what, I had a lot of fun with you. But I think we would be better friends. Is that cool?" And if it wasn't, I would never hear from him again and I was OK with that.

But with friends... or people who "think" they are your friend... It gets difficult. In all honesty, most of the time I just suck it up and hang out with them if they are the type that doesn't seem to have a lot of friends. But, if that person has plenty of friends and being with them makes me want poke myself repeatedly in the eye with barbeque tongs... I usually have the "I'm so sorry I am terribly busy" excuse on hand. But, I'll admit, I've given some pretty lame excuses.

It's honesty time people, what is the lamest excuse you have ever given? Or has anyone ever given you an incredibly lame excuse before?

Can You Say, "VICTORY!"

2011-07-14T14:38:00.000-07:00

I can. I said it on Wednesday. Loudly. I might have woken up my husband with a victory dance. I may or may not have jumped on him while he was in bed, practically shouting, "CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!" And then continued to bounce around the room in sheer joy. I just might have done something like that.

You want to know why? Because... I. Fit. Into. My. SKINNY. Jeans! (Please, feel free to cheer as loudly as you'd like). Not just any skinny jeans. The skinny jeans I bought when I was at my pre-wedding (read: I'm wearing a fitted wedding dress and have to look amazing in it), thinnest most in-shape awesomest ever. Ever. I fit into them. And I fit into them well (at least... my husband couldn't keep his hands to himself.).

Now that, my friends, is a great feeling. It was great motivation to keep up my hard work. I have gotten up early 3 out of the 5 days this week and worked out. (That's better than nothing! And next week will be even better, just you wait!) And the best part is, I am doing alright with the whole working out, eating right thing now. But I am only going to get better at it in the future. Really, because it is becoming a habit now.

One of the really important things I learned this week was, that even if I can't do the perfect work out I was planning on doing, I need to let it go and just do as much as I can. For example, I didn't wake up as early as I wanted to yesterday, but I got ready to run any ways. I realized that I didn't have enough time to go my full 2 miles. In the past, I would have just rolled over and gone back to bed and said, "Oh, can't do it. Too bad." (which is silly, I know)

Instead, I got up, got ready and hit the road. I only did just a little over 1 mile. But that 1 mile made a difference I'm sure. So, the moral of the story is, it doesn't have to be perfect to still help out and give a positive effect. I learned this from FLYlady. (www.flylady.net check it out! )

All in all, I am so happy! I know I still have a ways to go to finally reach my end goal and have my "dream body", but, at the same time, I can't remember feeling so confident in myself either. It helps that I have a husband who thinks I am beautiful and attractive. But, I am also finding that as I come to accept myself exactly as I am that I have all the confidence I need.

Of course, it helps to be confident when you're wearing skinny jeans...

Granted... I don't know how confident I would be in such bright skinny jeans as featured above... I might give it a try in a few months though. Who knows?

New Occupation: Seeker of Seemingly Impossible To Find Things

2011-07-11T13:46:00.000-07:00

I guess I should start looking for the Holy Grail… because we found the perfect apartment this weekend. Seriously, talk about blessings from above, good karma and getting way more than you deserve. This place comes equipped with a Washer and Dryer, a Dish Washer, a Panty, Linen Closet, big bathroom (read an actual bathroom counter with drawers and a cupboard!!!!!) AND two bedrooms, each with a large closet.

Like I said - way more than I deserve. I am so stoked I can hardly contain my excitement. Let August 1^st arrive! This is the first time I haven’t been completely dreading packing and moving.

In other news! This morning I actually got up and went running. It was awesome. The roads were pretty empty, the sun was just starting to rise and I was able to run two miles in pretty good time. I loved it.

The only weird thing was all the college kids trudging away to school at that early hour looked like they were headed to prison, or to work in the galley of a pirate ship. I kind of felt bad exuding happiness at the tranquility of the morning and my run with all the misery heading towards the hallowed halls of higher education.

However, 7:00 am runs really are worth it. Now, will somebody remind me of this tomorrow morning at 6:45 so I can be sure to get up again? Thanks a bunch!

The Great Hunt

2011-07-08T10:45:00.000-07:00

I am apartment hunting with my sweet husband. Thankfully we aren’t looking for a permanent home yet. I don’t think our 8 month marriage could handle that quite yet. (Well, I know it would but you get the point.)

The great thing is, my husband refuses to settle! The not so great thing, there aren’t a whole lot of options in our price range, that allow pets, that aren’t settling. As we’ve looked we have some criteria that really must be in the apartment: A roof, walls, some type of flooring, working plumbing and a room big enough for our Queen Size bed. Some things that would truly be lovely: Kitchen cupboards, just a little bit of storage in the bathroom, relatively large closets and sunlight accessible windows.

Now, I have a list of things that would be so incredibly awesome, it would be like moving into a little dream house. These things include: a dishwasher, washer AND dryer (wouldn’t that be amazing?!?!?!) a second bedroom, covered parking and room for a couch, love seat AND recliner. (Hey, a girl can dream right?)

As we’ve looked we have come across apartments that manage to have quite a few of these things. But they always end up being in a neighborhood that makes me frightened to walk to my car by myself, or it has a total of 250 sq feet and managed to squish many of the required and lovely things in the tiny space.

I have a feeling that finding an apartment is going to be a little like finding the holy grail…. Or the fountain of youth…. Or the perfect pair of jeans.

Faster Than ..... Crap, Not Quite As Fast As that 60-Something Year Old Lady!

2011-07-06T14:47:00.000-07:00

I ran my very first 5K! And, I have the keychain and t-shirt to prove it. My dear Aunt ran it with me and was a champion. I really don’t know how to go into details about the run… It was fun. There were a bunch of people cheering us on. We weren’t last (YES!) AND it was an awesome way to spend the Fourth of July.

I am so proud of myself for actually accomplishing my goal. I am going to keep running because I love it (and I really like the way it is making me look). For those who want to run a 5K, here was my secret. There were a bunch of seasoned runners around. Whenever I wanted to quit, or start walking or just wanted to start going a little faster, I would focus on a great pair of legs.

I know, that sounds funny, but I would find a woman with legs I would kill for and I would follow those legs. It’s great motivation to see what you want to be right in front of, and know that you can be that person with amazing legs if you just keep on running!

Before the 5K, I started reading about the route. You can believe me when I say that I shouted some interesting things when I came across, “The last ½ mile is an incline.” Who’s idea was it to make the LAST half mile an incline? By that point I was already breathing hard. I was really focusing on this woman’s awesome legs and I still wanted to give up. But, I conquered the incline. Take that stupid hill.

And there was one point where this 60-something year old lady totally passed me… That was rather demoralizing. But, I bolstered up my self-esteem and ran past it.

Another nice thing was, my husband had made this really cool t-shirt for me to wear that said “There is strong, there is army strong and then there is Army WIFE strong” on the back. I had people cheering me on and thanking me for our sacrifice. It was nice to know I wasn’t alone and had an entire community supporting us.

The whole experience was rather funny. My husband and I (with several of my younger siblings) camped out on the parade route. No one got much sleep. I got a total of about 3 ½ hours. I didn’t eat much the night before, or the morning of the race, and my Aunt and I had to walk a very fast mile to the starting line (we were kinda late, which is normal for me). And then we had to walk a mile and a half back to the parade route.

Needless to say, the Fourth of July was a looooong day. But it was awesome! It feels so great to accomplish things I didn’t think were possible. I’m a runner guys! Who’da thunk it?

Ok, maybe I'm not quite up to Cheetah speed quite yet. But I will be! Just you wait.

Honesty and Hippos

2011-06-29T15:57:00.000-07:00

I expect honesty in everyone. Especially from myself. Especially from myself about myself. On that note, my 5K is fast approaching, and the reality of it is I’m not exactly ready.

“Why not?” You ask. Good question. I’ve been asking myself that question all week. And last week. True, I’ve been a little under the weather this week. And my life is pretty busy. I work all day and then usually have something going on every night. I have a hard time squeezing in time to sweep my floor, let alone go running.

But, then I really take a good look at things and I realize that I have all the time I need to do all the important things. It’s all about prioritizing.

But that doesn’t change the fact that my 5K is on Monday, it’s Wednesday and I have never gone farther than 2.52 miles. Only 0.6 more to go, right?

I’ve been terrified that I am going to make a fool out of myself, I won’t be able to run the whole thing or I’ll break my ankle or something. And you know what, that is no way to think! As FlyLady would say, “No more stinkin’ thinkin’!”

I have realized that I am a perfectionist. And, I really enjoy a few minutes to relax. And sometimes I just feel overwhelmed. Well my friends, it is time this changed. I have a good, simple system for keeping my house clean. I have all the time in the world to do the things I love. Now I just need to DO IT!

I think this is going to mean getting up early in the morning to go running. *sigh* I can’t see any other way for it. And you know what that means? Going to bed early (why is this so difficult?!). And you know what that means? Some serious, hard core discipline!

But I can do it. I’m starting to see the benefits (YAY for benefits!!!) Such as my legs are toning up, I’m losing some of the unwanted belly fat, I’ve been cutting time off my miles, etc. Awesome right?! So now I just need to do more of it.

And, now that I think I know what I need to do to make it happen, I just need to act on it. Unfortunately, it is much easier to make a plan than to actually follow the plan. Which is why my new mantra is JUST DO IT!

What do I have to lose? (More belly fat for one thing…) I can do it because my husband says I’m awesome. I can do it because I know I can. And I can do it because my husband bought me this incredible swim suit for our trip to Florida and I just HAVE to do it justice.

And, as long as we’re being honest, I will never understand the whole gladiator high heels look. I mean, seriously, who thought that was going to be a good idea?! And, while owning an Elephant and a Giraffe would be awesome. A pet Hippo would just be ridiculous. There. I said it.

P.S. - I kind of really want to make my blog look cool and have those neat little buttons on the top for different pages like "About Me" and stuff like that.... But I don't know how. Anyone have any suggestions?

I Forgive You

2011-06-20T11:41:00.000-07:00

“I forgive you.” Does anybody else have an illogical hatred of hearing those words? Yes, it usually means you have done something stupid or insensitive and had to ask for forgiveness, and that’s never fun. So you’d think that hearing someone say, “I forgive you” would be a relief! YAY! They forgive me! They (Supposedly) aren’t mad at me anymore. We can be friends now. All hard feelings are left behind.

Yeah… you’d think. But whenever someone tells me, “I forgive you” it really rubs me the wrong way. The VERY wrong way. Like, wrong way on the freeway wrong way… (that’s a lot of “ways in once sentence… Sorry.)

It shouldn’t be that way.

Think about it, “I forgive you” should bring relief and joy. It should be the start of reconciliation! But it’s not. When I apologize for the horrible remark about your (Crazy) Aunt Frieda, I want to hear, “Oh it’s fine.” When I say I’m sorry for hating your (irresponsible and ugly) boyfriend, I want to hear, “Hey, everyone has faults. No biggie.” Don’t tell me you forgive me.

When someone says, “I forgive you” it sounds so very… pretentious. The only person who should go around telling people they are forgiven should be wearing priestly robes and (hopefully) taken a vow of celibacy.

I know, I know it’s probably just my pride that keeps me from accepting the words, “I forgive you” as a good thing. I just feel so very trampled on whenever I hear those words aimed in my general direction. And you have to understand, I make a lot of mistakes. A lot. Hourly. So I have to deal with these uppity sounding phrase more often than I like.

I can’t see a solution in sight though… I can’t say, “I’m so sorry I stepped all over your (Large) feet.” And then have, “I forgive you.” Thrown in my face only to have me say, “That’s great, but do you mind rephrasing that to a ‘that’s fine’ for me?” It just doesn’t work that way. I’ve tried.

In other news, my 5K is TWO WEEKS AWAY! I am so excited for it. Of course, I keep injuring my ankle or knee… and that is something of a setback. But y’all know that having some part of me wrapped in an ACE bandage is just part of my life. And if you didn’t know that… Don’t worry, I forgive you.

Stupid, Little, Blue, Blinking Dot!

2011-06-13T16:17:00.001-07:00

The worst side of a person comes out when they’re lost. And the devil himself seems to appear when you are lost and late. Trust me, I know. I’m not lost often, but when I am… It’s not pretty.

But, let’s back up a bit. Have you ever been the passenger when the driver gets lost? When that happens, this is something of the dialogue that goes through my mind.

“What’s his problem? It’s not like it is that hard to find the place. Why is he getting so upset? It gets so much harder to find the place if you are frustrated. Calm down man! We’ll find the place, it’s not Atlantis or anything! Uh oh… I think he is about to have an aneurism…”

And then, you make the monumental mistake of saying something to the driver in an effort to calm them down. And now, you are the headless passenger, cringing in fear and hoping that this place just pops up out of nowhere because you only have so many limbs you can spare.

As a general rule, I am an excellent person to take along on a road trip. For many reasons, but mainly because I don’t really use my own floor space because I always have my feet tucked up underneath me. And, because I can keep up a cheerful attitude through traffic, being lost (as long as I am not driving) and coming up with interesting snack combos to eat during the drive. (One downfall to having me along on a road trip is I drink an inordinate amount of water and require rather frequent bathroom breaks…)

But! When I am driving, and I am late and I am lost… I don’t even know myself.

Example: This past weekend I was the Maid of Honor at my best friend’s wedding. They were having a wedding dinner about 40 minutes away from where I work. I had never heard of the place, and so I was trusting in Google Maps (not always accurate, but better than nothing). I have this handy little app on my phone that gives me step by step directions, or I can see a map with myself being this little, blue, blinking dot moving along the road. The route is in red, so if I get off course I can definitely tell.

I wasn’t too worried about the first part. I jumped on the freeway and knew which exit to get off of. But, I was late. So I wasn’t in the best frame of mind. I got off the freeway, managed to stay left at the fork, and while the light was red I read the next step in my directions: “Drive 2.2 miles and turn left on 1700 W”. Only… I read it as, “Drive 0.2 Miles and Turn Left”. So I did. And I got hopelessly lost.

I drove around, looking for some kind of sign or directions or something and ended up at a random Wal Mart. I looked at my map to see how far off track I was. My little, blue, blinking dot was quite off track. So I started driving in the direction that I thought would bring me closer to the red route, only to see my little blue dot getting farther away from my personal yellow brick road.

I turned at the next street thinking it would get me back on track, only to turn even farther off route. At this point I was very frazzled and saying some interesting things. No swear words, quite yet. More like, “Where in the name of St. Agnes am I?!” or “No! bad little blue dot! Go the other way!” But, to no avail.

I decided to pull off the road to have my route redone and give me very specific instructions. I decided to turn right at the next road. At the stop sign, I had the directions recalculating. It told me to make a U-Turn. At this point, I had turned right, so I got into the left lane only to discover that there was no U-Turning. Nope! It was straight onto the freeway for me!

I had now turned to grumbling and moaning and beating the steering wheel in impatience. I was not very happy. I tried to hold it together, got off at the next exit, got back on the freeway and back on track. The stupid little, blue, blinking dot kept on telling me how very off track I was. I wanted to smash that stupid dot.

I made it back on track, the little blue dot happily following the red line, and read the directions carefully at every red light. I was panicked beyond belief that I was going to be terribly late and either walk in on a speech, not get any dinner or have many looks of scorn given by the dinner-goers. Luckily, the Bride and Groom were nearly 45 minutes late (which is actually quite typical of the two of them…)

I vowed within myself to read directions more carefully and to leave earlier. It just isn’t any fun to feel lost, to hate blue dots and want to yell at all the other cars that life just isn’t fair! And the worse part of the whole thing? I don’t have working AC. I had done my hair, and with all the extra time in the car it had gotten more windblown and sweaty than I had ever planned on and was practically past saving. So, I gave my toast with crazy-lady hair, half melted-off make-up and a smile. At least I made the Bride look extra good, right?

My (Non)Shocking Lack Of Perfection

2011-06-10T13:47:00.000-07:00

I am not perfect. Shocking, I know. But it’s the truth. I haven’t actually written anything on this blog in how long?! I know, I know… here I am, supposed to be getting rid of excuses and I can’t even keep up with my own blog. Pitiful.

BUT! I do have some good news! I am doing the Freedom Run 5K on the Fourth of July! And guess what? I am addicted to running. Seriously, it’s the best thing ever! There is no better way to boost my confidence and my self-esteem then by increasing distance or cutting my time. Of course… I am still working on the consistency thing. Why is that so darn hard?

I mean, have you ever thought about that? I LOVE to run. It makes me happy, I feel great and it makes me look good. So why is it so hard to get myself out the door to do it? I don’t even have the “it’s too cold!” excuse anymore! I am averaging running about 2-3 times a week. On a good week. I’d like to up that to at least 4 times a week. I can do it!!! Right?

In other news… My sweet hubby and I are planning an awesome vacation in August. Talk about excitement! When he asked me what I wanted to do, my immediate answer was, “BEACH!” And so, he undertook the extremely important responsibility of planning our vacation. And, he made sure there would be an incredible beach included on this grand adventure.

So what does this mean? This means, I need that beach body that closely resembles a Victoria’s Secret model. Is this achievable? Probably not. Am I going to kill myself trying? Absolutely!

And I PROMISE to post more often.

So, question, what motivates all y’all to get your franny out the door to exercise? Especially those of you with the incredible discipline of getting up early specifically to work out?

The Bestest

2011-03-16T23:00:00.000-07:00

After another round of job hunting, I found it! And, I'll admit, I was surprised. You see, I had applied everywhere that had an office assistant, office manager, executive assistant... And I applied at this one job with the title Content Writer. I read the description, applied with a cover letter, my resume, three references and two examples of article like writing. I poured my heart and soul into applying for that job. I went for an interview. I thought it went well, but I felt terribly under-qualified. I'm not sure why. When I went into that interview, I put myself out there. I sold myself. I practically begged for the job. But I was shocked off my rocker when I received an email for that second interview.

I went in, and was completely taken aback by my second interview. For one, it was short. For another, I kept stumbling over my words. I'm not sure why... But I was. The truth is, I really really wanted that job. And the surprise was I got the job! Today was my first day. And it was overwhelmingly awesome. Maybe a little heavy on the overwhelming part. But it was fun! I could use a challenge. Really, I could. I get to learn html, and photoshop and I get to be learning how to write about health supplements! That might not sound exciting, but I think it is.

In other news, I haven't ran yet this week.... but I did a really good job last week! Seriously, I cut four minutes off my mile and a half since I started running. I am going to try and go tomorrow. No, no. Let me re-phrase that. I WILL go running tomorrow. And eat real food. Tonight's dinner of Cool Ranch Dorritos, sour gummi worms and half a poppy seed muffin didn't quite cut it. (Shhhh! Don't tell my husband. He is out of town... for the first time since we me, we will have spent more than one day apart. Pathetic? Yes. Yes it is. And I really miss him...)

Any ways, I'm pretty sure that this job just might be The Bestest. Ever.

P.S. Stephen and I have a cat. I love her. But she is so unique I have to giver her her very own post.

(Above is a picture of a cat celebrating, in honor of my new cat and my new job. Get Excited People!!!)

Nostalgia

2011-03-07T23:26:00.000-08:00

I believe that someone needs to write a new book of etiquette for the 21st Century. The book would have to include headings such as, "How best to 'un-friend' an undesirable facebook acquaintance." And, "The Rules Of Texting: When, where and how much is acceptable during an activity." It would have to have a section on dating that would include things such as the equation for technological and in person communication: facebook chat + texting - email / face to face time to the power of skype = flirtatious understanding. It would probably include things such as, " 'Bless you' is it in or out?" and, of course, the sticky subjects such as religion, politics and "going green" would be delicately and properly thrashed.

Am I the person to write such a book? No. I don't believe I am. In the first place, my facebook etiquette is atrocious. I have a hard time responding to posts. I forget that someone has sent me a message, and I get so bored trying to have a conversation via comments. I have facebook ADD. The reality is, I go on facebook to stalk those interesting people who do exciting or stupid things. I like to know who is expecting when, who broke up with who and sometimes even what someone ate for lunch. But only for a select few. And, surprisingly, that select few are barely acquaintances of mine.

But, back to the book. I think it would have to address bizarre issues like, "how often is it ok to look at your phone before people think its attached at the wrist?" And the all important, "Is it cool for older generations to have a facebook account?" How soon is it ok to text someone after an awesome date without looking desperate? Are Thank You notes acceptable via email? What about via text? Is it rude to have your GPS give you speaking directions while in the car with a new/business acquaintance?

These are questions I can not answer. I kind of wish I had known the simplicity of the "old days". I'm talking Laura Ingalls Wilder days. Days when you knew when a man was courting you because he changed out of his farm clothes, brushed down the horses and asked your father's permission to drive or walk you home from church. Days of calling cards, coming out parties and balls.

I guess its not so bad though. I wouldn't trade in my car for a horse and buggy or my texting for a telegram. I guess everyone gets nostalgic. Though, it might be a little weird that I am nostalgic for a time period I never really knew.

Disappearing Act

2011-02-28T21:07:00.000-08:00

So... I haven't written in a while. Why you ask? Simple: Whenever life gets hard I do a disappearing act. I cut off contact from friends and family. I try to bury myself until it is safe to come out. I don't want to burden anyone else with my trouble, nor do I want sympathy. I have some serious pride issues.

What with losing my job, finding a job, learning that my new boss was expecting me to do the work of three people with hardly any compensation, quitting that job, finding a new job that couldn't pay me and now being stuck in a feeling that is getting really old... I lost touch with the outside world.

The truth is, I do this whole "disappearing act" quite a bit. Whenever I move away from somewhere, I do my best to cut off contact with the friends I left behind. Its too painful to try and maintain contact. Like I am trying to live in two places at once. And the thing is, I don't do pain very well. At least not the emotional kind. (My physical pain threshold is alarmingly high...) I am a runner. I run from the people I actually have feelings for. Its like, if I can't have them all the way then I can't have them at all. And, while I don't run from my problems, I don't like dealing with the aftermath of a sticky situation. Examples: I left Lehi to move to Spring City. Did I ever try to contact and talk with the friends I left behind? Nope. I left Spain for Orem. Have I talked to anyone since I left? Not really. I moved from Logan to Spring City, did I try and check on my old pals? Sadly, no. It seems that if someone wants to be my friend, they have to do a whole lot of work to keep track of me. And, I hate this about myself.

So, this is an apology. To all those I have left behind. To those friends who gave me love and support and then were cut out of my life. I am very sorry for all of my ex-boyfriends who thought that I could move on faster than I could tie my shoes. You see, while you thought I was moving on from you... I was just trying to save face and lose all my hurt in trying to please someone else. I rebound like nobody's business, and its just plain pathetic. So, I'm sorry. I felt for you more than you know, more than I would ever let on. I hated all the girls you dated after me. I wanted to be the one to make you smile, even while another guy was holding my hand. Messed up? You betcha. And, if I could, I would go back and let you see the heartbreak and the anger written all over my face. I would be horrified to see you with another girl, and you would know it. I'm sorry if you ever thought I was callous. And I am very sorry to all those guys I used as rebounds. You didn't deserve to be my "move along" guy. All I can say now is, thank the heavens above that some good man still saw fit to love me, even with all my flaws, and has promised to love me forever.

With the help of this loving man, I have been able to face a lot of my previous fears. I have proved to myself that I CAN RUN! And not away from my problems. I have officially ran 1.5 miles, several times over now. And every time I do it, I feel like I gain a little more respect for myself. With the help of several friends, I have come to the realization that though I have some serious issues, I'm still pretty darn cool. I am still a good friend (though not the best to many of my friends in previous spots of living) and I make wicked half-baked chocolate chip cookies. I plan to continue moving forward. And, if I can (and I won't promise anything but I will do my darndest) I will be moving forward with all my friends. That is, as long as you are willing to come with me.

Aaaaaannnnndddd...... Starting Again

2011-02-04T09:05:00.000-08:00

I have never claimed to be perfect. Ever. Except for that one time, and I was joking then. So, this particular entry into my online conscience is to confess. I have been a horrible, awful, no good goal keeper. Have I exercised once this week? No. No I have not. Have I been eating well? No. Actually, I've been eating atrociously. Seriously, we're talking pizza and fruit snacks. The only vegetable I've eaten was a sweet potato fully loaded with caramel sauce and melted marshmallows. Have I been trying at all?! Nope. So, here we go. Starting again.

Ever since I found out that I was losing my job, I went into over-stressed-freak-out-panic-Jeannie-mode. This mode isn't pretty. It entails constantly clenched teeth, hardly eating anything and when I do eat it is terribly unhealthy; snapping at my poor innocent husband, glaring at happy people and retreating from the world into my own secret world of books. Needless to say, I haven't been nice to anyone in about two weeks. And I have been especially mean to myself. Which is funny, considering the whole losing my job wasn't my fault at all. But... I guess if anything goes wrong I immediately begin beating myself up about it. Even if I know it isn't my fault.

So, starting today (on a Friday of all days!) begins a new start to both my goals and how I am treating myself. No more telling myself I'm not good enough, or I"m not pretty or I'm pathetic. Nope. And eating healthy, heck yes! It is time to start meal planning and buying healthy foods (hopefully my husband doesn't mind the change of menu...). It is time to start pushing myself to exercise.

This brings me to the very exciting news of a new venue of support. My dear, darling, handsome husband has agreed to coach me. He is going to help me reach that freaking 5K that is dancing so allusively in front of me. I've got this! Is he going to run me into the ground?! Most likely. Am I going to hate him at times during that run? Probably. Is it going to be awesome?!?!?! Absolutely!

So, I am going to go and start researching healthy foods and plans and figure something. I'll be honest... I have no idea where to start. If anyone has ANY ideas, please, please, please let me know. I could use the help.

And... I am also wondering how many times I am going to be re-starting. And Giving myself the same pep talks. Are you wondering how many times you are going to have to read a blog (if you so chose to keep reading this) and have me fall off the band wagon and pull myself back on again? I'll try to keep them down to a minimum, I promise. But, please forgive me if this happens occasionally. I'll get it right eventually!

Popcorn A.K.A The End Of The World

2011-01-24T11:14:00.000-08:00

Have you ever felt like you were pleasantly riding along on the road called life when suddenly you find yourself on the precipice of the end of the world. There is a sign conveniently labeled "The End Of The World" and a stack of pamphlets on how to treat shock. Suddenly you realize that you probably shouldn't have complained that the Air Conditioning wasn't cold enough, or that the car smelled funny, or that some of your traveling companions were intolerably insufferable. Maybe, just maybe, you should have enjoyed what you did have, acknowledged the scenery and embraced the sharp turns and twists that often threw you for a loop.

But now, now you are faced with what feels like the end of everything. And suddenly, all that was so bad before becomes nothing more annoying than a Justin Bieber song stubbornly stuck in your head. My friends, today feels like I have reached the precipice. In reality, my job is being terminated due to the company going under. Is it really the end of the world? Of course not. But it certainly feels like it. I'm guessing that I will turn around only to find that the end of the world is really just a nice scenic route and that the road continues after a sharp right turn. I just have to follow that turn into the unknown. I don't really want to though. Right now I feel like dangling my legs over the End Of The World, and throwing popcorn off the edge. I want to whine and complain, cry and have the temper tantrum of my life. But will I? Probably not. It could be fun though...

I know everything will turn out alright. I know that everything happens for a reason. I know that my husband will hold me tonight while I irrationally cry over a job that, to be honest, I didn't really like. I know that he will kiss the hurt better and that tomorrow I will have sent my resume out at least five times. I know that my family and friends will be nice and coddle the very frustrated Jeannie, and that I will have all the support that anyone could ever ask for. But, for the moment, I think I'll sit here throwing popcorn and lamenting my fate. Give me five minutes. I promise I'll be up again. Once all the popcorn is gone.

Flying: Much Easier than Waiting

2011-01-20T14:46:00.000-08:00

Last night it hit me. Hard. I don't know what my biggest fear is. I'm not afraid of dying. Failure isn't an option because I will never fail as long as I do my best. Losing my husband is really, really scary. But I know that I will be with him again, and that he would help me through while I am by myself. So, what am I afraid of? Spiders? Yes. Fish? Yes. The toilet overflowing while I am at someone else's house? Absolutely. Making a complete fool of myself? Not really. Being alone? No, because I know I am never alone. So... what is my greatest fear? 'Twill remain a mystery. For what is there to really fear but fear itself? I am not perfect. I am not invincible. I am adaptable. I can come back like a rubber band stretched to its limit. Will it hurt? Yup. Will I cry and think it is the end of the world at times? Yes. But... Such is life. And I know I can handle it.

Want to know something? The world is a much brighter place when you aren't really afraid of it any more. I guess the next thing to conquer is my inability to wait for things. Then again, it would probably be easier to conquer my inability to fly....

When a Door Slams in Your Face.... Scramble, Find a Window and Squeeze Through as Quickly as Possible!

2011-01-19T12:43:00.000-08:00

I am a wimp. If I have to choose between exercising and staying warm... I will choose staying warm. This cold weather is literally trying to kill me. Combine that with my new hatred of indoor tracks (the one I go to is now swarming with BYU students. Its like running in a herd of goats, all looking for a mate) and we are left with a predicament.

How I am supposed to go running when in the mornings it is so cold I can hardly breathe, and by the time I get off work its to dark outside to go by myself? (And cold... but not as cold as the morning) Well, running is still a goal I want to accomplish. But, the whole point of the running is to become my realistic version of a Victoria's Secret Model. (or to have Jennifer Aniston's body... I'd be happy with that too). So! I decided that though running was becoming impossible, for the time being, due to the many circumstances against me I would still reach my very reachable goals. The answer to this puzzle? P90X!

Trust me, I'm not crazy. I did it halfway through once before, and I loved it. Of course, I had never been so sore in all my life, but I loved it! So, thanks to the love of my Aunt Tamara Jane Marie Phillipa Ethel Georgette Yolanda ( I gave her the new names when I was asking beseechingly to borrow the DVDs) I was set up with almost the complete DVD set. (I'm missing one DVD, but I'll find it somewhere). I started Monday. It was great! And... man was it a work out. I was soaking wet with sweat and hardly breathing by the end. But it was worth it.

Sadly, yesterday I didn't do it. Monday night I went to a late movie with my handsome husband and Tuesday I was paying for the lack of sleep and hard workout the day before. When I attempted to try the next DVD in the set, my whole body protested so loudly I thought it wisest to just sleep.

However! Today is a new day! And today I will be doing P90X if it kills me! (Which I really hope it doesn't).

In other news, I can't decide if Wombats are cute or not.... There is something disturbingly warthog-ish about them But then again... their little faces.... I can't decide.

The Rock Wall

2011-01-12T15:15:00.000-08:00

The Holidays are over, routine has been restored. And... PROGRESS HAS BEEN MADE! Yes my friends, I have made progress in my goals, and its time you all know about the Rock Wall.

You see, I was beginning to get discouraged as the Holidays proved difficult to run or write in, and then regular life kicked in and again I found excuses crowding out the time I should have taken to get my butt out the door. And then, last Friday night, I climbed a rock wall. Stephen and I went on a double date with my best friend and her husband (who just happen to be my aunt and uncle). After eating dinner at Los Hermanos (our server was from Norway! Mexican food, Norwegian waitress. Interesting mix), we all went over to the Quarry, the indoor rock climbing place in Provo. After doing a few climbs we were wrapping up and I decided that I wanted to do one more climb.

At this point my muscles were already screaming at me, my harness (which was a really weird harness) was digging into me in the most uncomfortable places and yet I wanted to attempt to scale a wall with an overhang. Overly ambitious? Yes. Yes it was. I started climbing. About 1/3 up the wall I got stuck. I heard Stephen yell from beneath me, "You've got this babe!" and I said to myself, "Oh. Right. Of course I've got this" and I suddenly found myself climbing higher. And then I hit the overhang.

My whole body groaned as I attempted to hoist myself up over that stupid overhang. When I wasn't able to get over it the first few tries, I tried to find a way around it, with no luck. Sweat streaming down my face, hands clammy, with chalk doing little to no good, I almost called it quits. And then, again, came that disgustingly happy, encouraging voice from below, "Come on! You can do this!" And I thought, "I married a delusional man. There is no way I can do this. " But then he yelled again, "You are so close! You can do it!" and, with some cursing and grunts and the constant "I can do this! I can do this! At least Stephen thinks I can do this and if he thinks I can, I know I can..." running through my mind. That over hang was conquered. But I still had a few feet to go, and my arms were shaking and my legs felt dead beneath me.

"You are so close! You can do this babe!" I love my husband. His encouraging words can make me move mountains. Or at least climb them. But at this point, something in my mind was telling me "Your body can't do this. Its been pushed too far as it is. You got pretty close. Go ahead, come on down." But I knew, I knew, that Stephen thought I could do it. And, for some crazy reason, I believed him. And, with much heaving, groaning and reaching into the depths of my own stubbornness, I reached the top.

The next day I decided it was high time that really started running. With the elation of the night before, I dressed in the warmest running clothes I had, and then put on another layer. And out the door I went. With Stephen's "I know you can do this!" still ringing in my ears, I ran 2/3rds of a mile, without stopping, without any issues, and I probably could have kept going if I hadn't stopped in shock because I was still running. You see, I have been able to run about 1/5th of a mile so far without getting winded. That is about 2 minutes. I ran for 8.5 minutes straight, and still felt great when I stopped. Incredible. A miracle. And all because, my husband told me I could. And guess what? I kept on running once I got over the shock of my own accomplishment. Of those 2 miles, I ran 1.5!

I have learned some valuable lessons from this. 1) Having a good support team is vital to accomplishing goals. My husband is the most amazing, most valuable person on my support team and in my life. And he deserves the same kind of undying belief in his abilities that he has for mine. 2) I CAN DO THIS! I really am capable of many things, but I keep putting up this mental wall that I can't climb. Well, until now. Now, I know that the wall isn't only climbable, but its pretty darn fun to get to the top. I can do anything. 3) Finishing things feels so good! Perfectionism has been stopping me from obtaining goals because I am afraid I won't do it right or as well as somebody else. No more. I am allowed to mess up, make mistakes, run to the beat of my own drum and I don't have to apologize for it.

So, here is the goal. Operation Smile is hosting a 5K to raise funds for the amazing work they do. It is on March 26th. And I am running it. Anyone want to come with me? Trust me You Can Do This! (and so can I!)

Holiday Attempts

2010-12-29T12:35:00.000-08:00

So, I decided that a quick update was needed on my attempts at running during the holidays. Well, it should be very brief considering I have ran all of three times. Part of the reason I haven't been is the indoor track has been closed, and I just can't drag myself out into the cold. Cold and I have an ongoing hate-hate relationship. My lungs especially struggle in the cold weather. I figured death by freazation (I invented this word. Use It, Love It, Spread It) wasn't worth toned legs. Its almost worth it though...

Any ways, the times I have gone have been delightful. My dear husband even came with me last time. Nothing like seeing a really hott guy running around the track to give you motivation. (And, yes, that hott guy would be my husband).

In other news, Christmas was amazing! I was able to spend time getting to know my in-laws. I even did something crafty and made a fleece blanket for my awesome sister-in-law Julianne (she is my best pal). I probably ate my weight in delicious food, and will continue to do so over New Years. As much as I love the holidays, I am kind of looking forward to basic routines again. I know, boring, but I love knowing what each day is supposed to hold. And this whole exercise thing will be a whole lot easier.

Happy Holidays One and All! Be safe! Be clean! Be merry! Be GOOD!

The Indoor Track

2010-12-22T12:00:00.000-08:00

Alright, it is time for a midweek Update! Guess what? I ran every day this week. (This sounds a lot better than it really is, considering it is only Wednesday). My life has been simplified as I have started running on the BYU indoor track. And, if I do say so myself, things are going very well. I decided to amp up my training program as it was designed for people who were really out of shape or had never run before. Considering I've been doing Yoga and Powertone for the past three/four months I decided that I could definitely speed up the process a wee bit.

What I did not anticipate was that running on a track requires a completely different mental state. You see, there is this big area in the middle for people to jump, do running drills and just show off their excellent physique. And then there are these ridiculously fast runners who pass you four to five times, each time more humiliating than the last. And then there are the inevitable desperate men attempting to pick up on some girls. (Why don't guys realize that we women are usually running to escape the world and weirdos like themselves, this is the WORST place to pick up a girl in my opinion. Ok, not the worst. The Dentist or the Hospital are probably the worst.)

So, I step onto the track and am immediately scared for my life as an older gentleman with freakishly muscular legs and a balding head charges up the lane I'm in, making grunting noises that would scare a gorilla. I, of course, try to get out of the way, only to cut off another runner. I get myself off the track for a moment and wait for a lag in the steady stream of runners. I feel somewhat like I am waiting to turn left without a light. Finally, I throw myself into the melee and just make a run for it. Literally. I figure out which lanes are for the slow people, and resolutely promise myself that I will not leave this lane! (this didn't last long. I got bored).

Having found myself where I needed to be, I then became aware of how pathetic I am. Here I am, walking two minutes then running a minute and panting at the end of that minute so loudly I'm sure someone will stop to ask if I am having a heart attack, and passing me are people three times my age, jogging along with a serene look on their face. When they pass me twice, I feel the urgent need to hide but I hold my head up high and focus on the lines of the track. Worse than the old people are the young ones. You know, those guys in such amazing shape that you can see each individual muscles in their legs, (and the rest of their body) and the girls with toned legs and thighs that magically, and it has to be magic or I want a refund on life, don't jiggle at ALL, and as they pass you speed walking they look at you with pity. And I get all fired up and want to run and run, but know that if I try I'll be more pathetic than a fish out of water... so I don't.

I know the people in the track probably aren't running around us slow folk and thinking about their own superiority, but I can't help but think that they are secretly laughing at my little efforts. This, my friends, is a perfect example of my low self-esteem and drastically (according to my husband) skewed perception of myself. So,while huffing and puffing my way around the track, I kept on telling myself "You are awesome. Trust me Jeannie, you rock at life. Look, see this, we made it around the track five seconds fast than last time. Ah! Ignore the old man racing past you. He has been running for years, this is only day two. You can do it!" Only to have this train of thought diminish to "I think I can. I think I can. I think I can."

When my timer beeps and I realize that, by some miracle, a half an hour has passed, I scurry off the track to the random place with the adult monkey bars (I haven't no other way of explaining this...) where people go to stretch and work out the rest of their body. It is, of course, filled with guys attempting to bulk up their already scary large arms. I ignore them, go to a corner, turn the iPod to Enya and start do some Yoga. This is when I notice that someone is staring at me. It turns out to be a guy I went on several dates with, but then abandoned when I realized how fake he was. I had my wedding ring on, and thought that once he saw this he would go away. Nope. He actually interrupted me in the middle of Sun Salutation B to try and talk to me. (NEVER interrupt someone when they are doing Yoga. Seriously, it throws me completely out of my groove and instead of being at peace, I'm grumpy) I won't bore you with details of our conversation. Let's just say, I bragged about my husband for about 2 minutes before he got bored and abruptly said he had to go and finish his push ups. (I'm not sure how push ups can be so demanding, but I was very glad to see him go).

So my friends, I've done it. Two consecutive days of running. The track is only open tonight, and then reopens on Monday, what with the holidays and all, so I am going to have to find some type of alternative. Still, GO ME!

P.S. The hardest part about all of this is still breaking in those amazing running shoes. I love them, but my feet don't. Not yet any ways.

Epic Fail? Not Quite.... Ok, maybe a little....

2010-12-20T12:15:00.000-08:00

You know, after my huge schpill about not letting excuses rule my life, I'm ashamed to admit that I did not go running until Friday morning. FRIDAY?! Let me show you what happened this week:

Tuesday: My sister-in-law let me borrow Hunger Games. I sat down to eat dinner and picked up the book to read while I ate as Stephen was at work. Two hours later, my brother calls me. I hadn't moved from where I was sitting. My dinner had gone untouched. I had 20 pages left. By then, it was too dark outside to go anywhere by myself.

Wednesday: Stephen, bless his wonderful heart, gave me an amazing Christmas gift! (early, as you can see. Which is usually against the rules, but we let it slide this time because I needed what he gave me!) He had bought me the nicest running shoes on the market called Ziggs, by Rebok. They absorb a lot of the shock that comes from running. My dear husband wants to protect my already thrashed joints. His gift was very heartening. It's nice to know the most important person in your life wants to support you in your goals. Not to mention, I don't have any excuses left as to why I'm not running. BUT! I wasn't able to go Wednesday night because we ended up at the Mall, and then we ate dinner. By the time we got home, it was too late. Again.

Thursday: I was actually changing (Yay! True intent to go!) When my dearest little brother (ok, so he isn't that little) showed up at my door as prearranged. Only... I forgot. And then, my best friend and her boyfriend dropped by to give us a Christmas gift. By the time everyone left, it was not only late but I was exhausted.

Friday: I ACTUALLY RAN! But... I found out, much to my chagrin, that I am terribly out of shape. It is seriously unfortunate. For the past four months I did Yoga twice a week and Powertone twice a week. Plus, on occasions, when to the gym to the elliptical machines. Did this do me any good when I hit the pavement? Nope. Friday's training schedule was to Walk two minutes, run a minute, walk two minutes, run a minute for 30 minutes. I'll admit, I am being rather hard on myself. I wasn't dying or anything by the time I was done. I think I have a really good training program set up (if you want to find it, let me know. Its hard to explain on here) because it is trying to condition my lungs and get my heart pumping without completely discouraging me. But still... I was always really happy when that one minute was up.

However! I WILL PREVAIL! I will run this 5K if it kills me. (I really hope it doesn't kill me.... really really hope).

Saturday: Didn't run. Saturday was actually a really bad day for me. Just one of those days where you can't climb out of the emotional turmoil that doesn't make any sense. Running probably would have been good for me at that point. You know, next time I get down in the dumps I think I'll go for a nice brisk run/walk.

So there you go, my rather pathetic attempt at last week. For this next week though, I am going to try to make it every day from now until Thursday. I might even go Christmas day... we'll see. I'm not that motivated.

Random thoughts - While sitting at Subway I had two things occupy my mind when I should have been writing. ONE: Those green signs on the side of the road that say "20 min to Lehi" and have an arrow pointing in that direction, and then "17 min to Lehi" with the arrow pointing the other way. You know what I"m talking about? Any ways, how do they know? Are they tracking cars? Have they worked out a mathematical equation that can determine, by counting cars or something, how long the drive will be with x being the minutes, y= number of cars and b= weather conditions? There is probably a very simple answer to this... but now I have to go waste time looking it up and finding out.

The second thing was, where does all the soda come from in a soda fountain? And how do they fill it? What do the containers look like? I want to go open one up and explore it now. I don't know if anyone will let me though...

Confessions, Disclaimers and Gee Wizzes

2010-12-14T14:27:00.000-08:00

Well here I am. After years of saying, "I should blog" I actually started one. And the start of this blog isn't that I was sitting and admiring my own thoughts, or exclaiming that the wondrous events of my life should be published for all the world to know, but that I needed someone to be responsible too or I would never actually reach all the things I want to claim as my own.

The best way for me to explain what it is I am trying to accomplish is to give a brief summary of yesterday's events. Or lack thereof. You see, I have decided to become a runner. I decide this every few months, go running a few times, and then find better things to do with my time (or so I say). The reality of it is, I am full of excuses. For example, I have found this wonderful training program at runnersworld.com for beginners that I was really excited to start. It was supposed to be started on a Monday, and I woke up telling myself, "Today is the day we begin!" But... the night before was rather sleepless. Well, very sleepless. And then I had my two hour yoga final where I twisted my body into positions I didn't know possible, and then held them for 5 to 10 breaths (for those of you who have never done this, 5 to 10 breaths is an eternity.... trust me). My body was tired, my mind was tired and.... it was cold outside. Three very valid excuses. But you see, they were excuses. And I am determined, NO MORE EXCUSES!!!!

So, first things first.

Confessions:

I dream big, love planning but often scare myself with the enormity and amazingness of my own projects so they rarely get done.

I am very, very human and extraordinarily far from perfect. I have bad days, good days and days that are worse than a steady diet of vanilla yogurt.

I would rather read then breathe sometimes. It can be an issue.

Sometimes, when my husband isn't home or isn't ready to go to bed yet, I fall asleep with a teddy bear. And I'm not ashamed to admit it (obviously).

I hate celery.

Disclaimers:

Sometimes I say things that aren't very nice. They may be true, but tact has never been my strong point. I don't ever mean to offend anyone. I promise!

I really like using ellipsis, usually incorrectly... (See, I couldn't help it.)

I am a romantic. I am patriotic. I believe in all the good old fashioned emotions and in being passionate about things. If this annoys you... well, I'm sorry cause you are missing out on a lot of fun in life.

Gee Wizz

Cats sleep 16 to 18 hours per day.

The most money ever paid for a cow in an auction was $1.3 million.

The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.

And two of my favorite words are : Brobdingnagian and Polypragmoisoi

Now, if you are still with me, I would like to go into further detail as to what I really am about. I want to do all the things I want to do. Redundant? Yes. Well, I want to run a 5K (for starters) but I will never get there unless I actually get out there and consistently run. I want to finish a book I started writing, but I never will unless I actually work on it. So, I am using cyberspace and the few people who want to take the time out of their day to read this as my conscience. I now have someone I am accountable too. And I WILL accomplish my goals.

Now, some days it might not be an update on goal reaching (or attempted reachings) but it might be on some random thought that I wanted to get out of my head and onto some form of communication.

So, to wrap things up, I am issuing myself the challenge to stop using excuses. I will reach my goals. By June I will be able to run at least a 5K (this can and will hopefully be changed to a 10K) and by the end of this year I will have finished writing my book. Anyone else want to join me in an attempt to fulfill some dreams? I hope so.

May the Force Be With You